The Dos and Don'ts of Volunteering

Volunteering is fun, easy, and, gosh darnit, it makes you feel like a million bucks when you do it. But there is such a thing as the wrong kind of help. The road to annoyance is paved with good intentions, and sometimes a helping hand can lead to another hand reaching out and trying to strangling you.

So, just to be on the safe side, let’s go over some dos and don’ts when it comes to volunteering, shall we?

Don’t volunteer to repaint the “old and crusty” paintings in your local art gallery.
Who wants old stuff? Some boring art galleries, apparently. As much as your fresh coat of Benjamin Moore would probably spruce up some of those yawners that Titian did a billion years ago, you’d probably get in trouble. Or arrested. Instead…

Do volunteer to paint your friend’s house.
You can put those artistic skills to work at your friend’s pad. Crack open a sixer of Fresca, order a pizza and some wings, and let the paint fly. The two of you will bond, and before you know it you’ll have a sweet new pad for your secret Michael Chabon Appreciation Club meetings.

Don’t volunteer to dress as a 19th Century butler around the house.
As tempting as spats, a monocle, and a complete morning tails suit are, this may be a bit overboard as far as helping out around the house is concerned. Addressing your siblings as “m’lord” and “m’lady,” and announcing your parents as they enter the kitchen for breakfast as “Their majesties, Mr. and Mrs. Mom and Dad” won’t win you any points either. If you’re feeling the urge to serve, instead…

Do volunteer at a soup kitchen.
There are plenty of great opportunities to extend a helping hand to those less fortunate, without the cravat. Or, if you’re feeling saucy, wear a cravat when you go. You can be sure that you’ll be the only volunteer at the soup kitchen in period-specific formal English attire.

Don’t volunteer to teach your dog to juggle knives.
The entire opposable thumbs issue aside, juggling is difficult. It takes time and skill to get good. And juggling knives is not only harder, but more dangerous. Listen, we all know that little Pugs Malone is a very smart little silly head, but seriously… keep him away from the knives. Teach him to poop outside instead of on mom’s new sofa, or if you want to teach humans…

Do volunteer to tutor in a subject you’re good at.
Don’t be humble. You know there’s a subject in school that you’ve got pinned to the academic mat, so to speak. Maybe it’s Calculus. Maybe it’s American Lit. Maybe it’s Australian Rules Elbow Hockey. Whatever it is, there’s someone out there that wants to get better at it, and you can be the person to teach them how! Also, this is great because it will make you feel smart and useful at the same time.

So, instead of wreaking havoc on your family, friends, and mankind in general, try to focus that energy on some useful and constructive volunteering. And by all means, if it makes you feel more regal, wear a cravat while you’re doing it.

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