Auntie SparkNotes: It's Scary Out There

Dearest Auntie,
I really hope that you can perhaps offer me some wisdom (and maybe even some courage!). I hate being alone. Not the socially/friend-wise alone, but the out-in-the-parking-lot-at-night or walking-down-the-street alone. Really, being alone scares me and whereever I go, I always make sure to have a friend with me or be at least within eyesight of people. My friends always kid about it and tell me that I won't be kidnapped, but the thing is, those things DO happen and I would much rather be on my guard than oblivious to the creepers in the white vans *shakes fist at creepers*. I'm 18 and now that I'm driving about and going to be going to college and eventually getting my own place, how can I learn to not be terrified and yet still be safe?

First, Sparkler, a lesson in perspective: because kidnappings are kind of like plane crashes. Or octuplets. Or shark attacks! Which is to say, of course, they happen. We know they happen. Because every time they do happen, we hear about it—in multiple ways, from multiple sources, and sometimes for weeks on end. And believe it or not, that's a good thing! Because the only reason we hear about kidnappings/plane crashes/shark attacks every time they occur is that they don't occur very often. That's how it works; it's always the least common happenings that get the most attention. And while being on guard against rare dangers is fine—say, by keeping a vigilant eye in parking garages, or avoiding swimming in waters known to be shark-infested—you mustn't lose sight of the fact that, all told, you're a hell of a lot more likely to die by running your car into a white van than you are to be kidnapped by somebody driving one.

Which is to say: the world is a risky place, and life is a risky business. And in order to be happy, engaged, and fulfilled, we all have to find a comfortable middle ground—somewhere between laughing in the face of danger and living in perpetual fear.

For you, this will probably mean two things: first, to redefine your relationship with public spaces. Go for a walk in your neighborhood or on your campus, alone, during the daytime. Sit on a park bench and read for an hour. Take a solo bike ride. Go shopping by yourself, and reward your travels with something you've been coveting. Basically, the more you can associate being alone in public with pleasant, non-terrifying memories, the more comfortable you'll be cruising around by yourself.

And second, realizing that conquering fear is a matter of control. You're afraid of being taken because right now, you feel take-able—weak, vulnerable, easily overpowered. Whereas if you knew that you could fight off a would-be attacker, your confidence would act as a buffer against fear. So take a self-defense class, invest in a can of quality pepper spray, and give yourself the comfort of some nice, solid ass-kicking skills. (Also, for extra credit: read "The Gift of Fear," by Gavin DeBecker. It's one of the most informative and useful books out there when it comes to protecting yourself.)

Does this mean you'll never again feel creeped out when you're walking alone through a parking lot? Well, no—and that's okay, because in situations like that, a little fear can be a good thing. And when you've got the skills and perspective to listen to and understand your fear (rather than be dominated by it), then when you do get the heebie-jeebies, you'll know why and what you need to do to handle it.

And later in life, if you still prefer peopled places, you can always make your home in a populous city.
Or live with roommates.
Or rent out the back of your head to Lord Voldemort. Then you'll NEVER be alone!

Do you get the alone-in-public creepouts? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.

Related post: 15 Ways to Pretend You're Not Terrified