What to Expect During Your Facebook Fast

We’ve all gathered here today because we care about you. Look around the room, and you’ll see a group of people who love you. Love. You. And all we want is for you to get some help. This isn’t going to be easy. In fact, it’s going to be really difficult, at least at first. There’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to come right out and tell you:

You need to take a break from Facebook.

We’ve all heard you say “I can quit anytime.” Well, it’s time to stop saying and start doing. Right now. Believe me, this is for the best and you’ll be a happier person once you’ve conquered this demon.

But be warned, when you start your Facebook fast, there are some withdrawal symptoms that can sometimes be serious. You may experience the some or all of the following side effects:

Scroll Finger
Your primary digits, having no News Feed to scroll through on your smart phone, will seem to develop a mind of their own. It may start as just a twitch in your thumb and forefinger, but can get as severe as full on up and down movement. Taking up a hobby that engages these fingers, like knitting, competitive finger snapping, or becoming known as the person that greets everyone with a crab-claw grab, can help.

Inferior Social Site Replacement Anxiety
You will very likely find yourself mindlessly Googling random subjects like The Fiscal Policies of Chester A. Arthur, and Prices for Rafting Trips in Northern Georgia, but there’s only so much randomness one brain can take. Sooner or later you will end up at LinkedIn. You. Must. Resist. Remember, this is just the lame, old-boring-uncle of Facebook. There is nothing here for you, unless you’re looking for a job as a Claims Adjuster in Decatur, Illinois. And, for the love of God, don’t go to MySpace.

Alternative Communication Disorder
The first conversation that you have after you begin your Facebook fast will be awkward. Just know that. But also know that it may get worse before it gets better. Those synapses have been dormant for a while now, and it may take some mental calisthenics to get them back to Mensa levels again. Start with some practice conversations with a close friend who won’t judge you. Talk about something simple, like the weather or your parent’s tragic taste in music. Don’t get discouraged. You’re learning to walk again, and mistakes will happen, like…

Vocalized Abbreviations
This is one of the most common afflictions for those who have recently begun a Facebook fast. You’ll be in a conversation, your friend will bring up a salient yet humorous observation about the insane outfit that your homeroom teacher wore yesterday, and you’ll respond with “OMG! LOL!” You will immediately think, “I am an intelligent person who knows how to say full sentences, let alone words. How did this happen?” Take a breath, collect yourself, and become aware. Next time, aim for only one Vocalized Abbreviation, then decrease from there.

Remember, together we can overcome any obstacle. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a survey to complete about which Harry Potter Movie my personality is most compatible with. Come on, Goblet of Fire!

How long could you go without Facebook?

Related post: How I Ended Up on a Facebook Fast