January Horoscopes

It’s a new year. It’s a leap year. So watch out! To learn what happens in the next twelve months, read your super special horoscope below!

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
This is the year to learn about zinc! Love will come to you by winter’s end, and cough drops will be heavily involved. By March, you will know the answer to the question, “Monkeys?” This winter, you will need to pay close attention to not only your own pants, but the pants of those with the initials H.N.—your entire year depends on it. In the summer, you may need to find a new gong mallet. Don’t lie about the wagon. We all know what you did. Your lucky noise is the sound of a pillow hitting a statue.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
The first three months of the year will be rough, but things get better, especially once you buy that harmonica. Win a game of Duck, Duck, Goose, by using the controversial, “I’m a hawk” maneuver. It’s OK to cry, but never on a ladder. Trouble with aches and pains? Try using the natural soothing properties of Hugh Jackman’s tears. Something furry will happen to you in September, and October will bring you lots of boat-related drama. Your lucky noise is the jangly sound of keys being tossed in the air.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Stay away from anyone who uses “game” as a verb. (e.g. “I like to game with my friends online.”) This year you will have 30 weeks of joy, 10 weeks of boredom, 5 weeks of sadness, 4 weeks of stress, 2 weeks of adventure, and 1 week of recovery from injuries sustained during your epic fight with that would-be thief. Within the next nine months, you will say, “Pigeons aren’t that great.” When working with a friend, never criticize her taste in books or cabinetry. Your lucky noise is the thwap of a magazine hitting the side of a minivan.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You have seven months to learn everything you can about caves before it’s too late. In three days' time, when the sun is low, look for the tree in the forest that does not belong, for it shall lead you to 75 cents and a warm bottle of Diet Sprite. Throw caution to the wind in February, and throw milk in the trash in March. Love will find you when your nose doth run. Be true to yourself, but lie to the dentist. Your lucky noise is the plurp of bubbles being blown into a glass of chocolate milk.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Your year will be a wild ride of emotions and rodents. When the coast is clear, grab all the pens you can carry! You will not shout “diggity” at all this year, though you may whisper it. You need to use your teeth more efficiently, fool. Make new friends this year by randomly looking up into the sky and saying, “Soon.” A fish is a poor substitute for an envelope, and vice versa. The TV show Storage Wars will bring you to your true love. When the time is right, you must harness the true power of cardboard. Your lucky noise is that of a slide whistle.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You shouldn’t have a favorite Underworld movie. Seriously. And even if you do have a favorite, you don’t need to tell anyone about it. That can just be your little secret, OK? Anyway, your year will be stellar, thanks to your knowledge of bears, wood, and astronomy. When the going gets tough, get a new toothbrush. A friend needs your help but is too afraid to ask, so you should get better, bolder friends. Find money in September…somehow. And in April, you may need to reconsider your stance on pie. And Underworld isn’t that good. We never saw any of the movies, but they can’t be good. They just can’t. Your lucky noise is the sound of rain hitting a bald man’s head.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Your dreams of becoming a rapper will come true in the new year, but only if your rap name begins with the word “Basket.” This spring, odd things will happen to your clothes. Try not to scream. You will fall out of love by the end of the year, so don’t do anything stupid like get a tattoo of your current significant other’s name on your arm (unless his name is “Monster Truck,” because that might be a cool tattoo anyway). Learn to fly a plane or a blimp by summer or else suffer the consequences. Your lucky noise is the sound of a German teacher yelling at her students.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
By the end of the year you will have kissed one person you love, one person you like, and one person who only looks good in the dark. Keep a positive attitude about all things relating to ovens. In June, you will need a good pair of…something….we’re not sure what. Could be pants, or scissors, or tickets, or aces. (Let us know when you find out.) You must use the word “burgundy” eight times this year. No more. No less. Something wonderful will happen to your life in precisely 377,000 minutes. Your lucky noise is the sound of a pineapple growing.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Your year will be rather boring, but you can spice things up with a funky hairstyle and/or a race around the globe! An injury in January will lead to a scar in February which will lead to romance in March. If someone asks you to stand on one foot, stand on your left foot! You’ll understand why when you’re older. There is nothing you can do about Neptune, so stop worrying. Avoid touching things that roar or glow. When in doubt, choose answer A or B, or C. D is OK too. Your lucky noise is the sound of a balloon popping inside a crystal cave.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
This is the best year of your entire life (with 2017 being the second best) so enjoy it while it lasts! In February, you will meet the love your life after an embarrassing incident involving your sweat. No snakes will bite you this year. Now is the perfect time to mock a kite! The floor beneath you hides seven secrets. Find them or die trying. Never rule out the possibility that this is all a dream or that you’re really some sort of sophisticated robot with implanted memories (hint hint). And try not to use so much shampoo. Your lucky noise is the sound of indoor wind chimes.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
Flutes are just tunnels, if you think about. And you should think about it, because you will need such a tunnel by year’s end. The fabric you loathe will cause problems in summer, but until then, try to focus on the fabrics you love! Money can be made this year if you use your charm and a fork. Nowhere does it say that a person can’t be both a ninja and an astronaut. The road to love is paved in feathers. Go North to find your future, but bring back some raisins. You will see a turtle this year, but try to act surprised. Your lucky noise is the sound of someone who has seen a turtle.

Pisces (February 18 – March 20)
A fascinating year will be yours if you hang a picture of a stoic rabbit over your bed. Try new things this year, such as mind-golf and frozen hats. Your love life will blossom into a tree of…um…sorry. We lost track of that metaphor. Let’s just say you’ll have lots of kisses and stuff. Never go into the forest with a guide or a hammer. Your winter will be busy, your spring will be exciting, your summer will be lazy, and your autumn will be filled with skeletal clowns…but not in a bad way. Your lucky noise is the sound of a sarcastic duck.

How's your January shaping up so far?

Related post: December Horoscopes—Super Slide Show Edition!