Dolly's Back!!!!!!!!!

If you hear a great, reverberating, ear-splitting SQUEEEEEEEEEEEE! spread across the earth on January 13, don't worry. It's not the zombie apocalypse; it's just our joyful noise at the release of the latest cinematic vehicle for our favoritest, blondest, wiggiest, most chestically gifted country crooner of all time. That's right, folks. Dolly Parton is back on the big screen in all her peroxided, Botoxed, tucked and lifted glory. Get out your sequined jumpsuits and celebrate with our Joyful Noise sweepstakes.

If you're not already a Dolly fan (we're on a first name basis), let us share just a few reasons why the Queen of Country Music is the bee's knees:

Dollywood. How many people do you know who have their own theme park? (Okay, Michael Jackson aside. Okay, Walt Disney aside too.) But where else can you start the day with a roller coaster ride through an abandoned coal mine, spend the afternoon smelling and rolling around in looking at Dolly Parton's closet, and top it all off with dinner theater featuring live horses and pig races? #America

The hair. Miss Parton has described her Backwoods Barbie look thus: "I look just like the girls next door... if you happen to live next door to an amusement park." She proudly acknowledges that she modeled her look on the town tramp. 5 out of 5 drag queens approve.

9 to 5 (the song and the movie). We can't hear the opening riff of this song without wanting to put on some flesh-colored pantyhose and Sauconys and pound the pavement of Manhattan, hog-tying every ne'er-do-well boss that gets in our way.

Steel Magnolias. If you don't weep like a baby with a paper cut slicing onions at this sweet, Southern movie starring Dolly as Truvy, the hairdresser with a heart of gold, then you are an emotionless humanoid robot with gasoline-soaked cotton balls where a heart should be.

Islands in the Stream. Maybe it is a personal dream of ours to have a heartfelt duet with (pre-plastic surgery, when he could still blink) Kenny Rogers in which he tenderly holds our hands, looks into our blue eyes, melodiously professes his love, and offers us a succulent, perfectly roasted chicken thigh. Maaaaaybeeee.

Do you love Dolly like we do? In other words, will you save us a space in line for the Joyful Noise premiere?

Related: Joyful Noise Sweepstakes