We are all delicate, fragile creatures, likely at any moment to be stricken with Yak Flu, or to contract Ebola, or to be hit by a monster truck on the way to get the mail. We all experience life's incessant attempts to kill us, which can sometimes be problematic—all of us get sick, even people who aren't your good friends, or remotely close to your age, and how does one compose a get well card for such confusing strangers?
Carefully, that's how. Here are some approaches to writing a get well card, as well as an idea of who to send them to (and who not to).
1.) Sarcasm/Irony
This approach involves sending some totally inaccurate card, or a card designed for some bizarrely specific event, in place of one that a normal human would send. The unspoken sentiment here is "You and I are too cool for the card industry's rules, so here is a Secretaries Day card, even though almost no secretaries were responsible for your grievous injury."
Good For: Similarly sarcastic friends
Result: You might choose, for example, to send your friend a Marmot Day card. "'Happy Marmot Day??'" your friend will think. "But Marmot Day isn't until February! Ha ha, I will laugh at this more as soon as I throw up in this bucket. Blurf!"
Bad For: Serious people, old people, seriously old people
Result: "Oh no, someone went around and rejiggered all the holidays! Obamaaaa!"
2.) Total Sincerity
These cards are absolutely heartfelt, and are used to express your sympathy and friendship in gilded cursive.
Good For: Loved ones, people in depressing situations
Example: "You have my deepest sympathies for the injuries you suffered as a result of that hamburger-eating contest. I am here for you, whatever you may need, unless what you need is more hamburgers, because that would clearly be a mistake. I am confident that science will some day develop a cure for too many hamburgers."
Bad For: Crushes, people who don't know you very well
Example: "Hello, secret crush. You don't know who I am, but I noticed that you weren't in school, because I notice everything, so I am sending you this uncomfortably personal card. I am always here for you, and by 'here' I mean in this room, right now. Bet you can't see where! ~~YOURS FOREVER.~~"
3.) Apathy
This variety of card is totally sufficient for people you don't really know or really don't like. It's basically just an acknowledgement that you're aware someone is sick and at are not personally responsible for that fact.
Good For: Anything less than a friend, but greater than someone you happened to sit next to on a bus.
Result: You send someone a card whose front cover says "Get Well Soon," and after five minutes thinking of a message to write inside, you finally give up and write "Get Well Soon." Under this you misspell your own signature because you do not care.
Bad For: Anyone who thinks you are friends
Result: You send a friend this same card, who takes it to mean the same thing, emotionally, as if you had sent him a bag of rats.
4.) Cheesy Humor
If you buy a card in an actual card store, and it has cartoon characters on the front, and none of them are suspiciously naked, it will probably fall in this category.
Good For: Close family, the elderly
Result: "'The cookie went to the doctor... because he was feeling crummy!' Crumbs are a thing that cookies have! This is the most hilarity I have ever experienced."
Bad For: Cynical friends, younger relatives
Result: "A cookie feeling crummy?? That's so dumb that I just got more Ebola than I already had! Unless it was meant ironically." (In which case, return to #1.)
Who was the last person you wrote a card to?
Related post: Haikus for All Occasions
Topics: Life
Tags: writing, manners, illness, greeting cards, get well cards
Post a comment!