Primrue, it sounds like you better start bringing your wand to gym class.—Sparkitors
After I first met my new PE teacher, I spent about 3 weeks trying to figure out where I had seen her before. Then, one night while I was watching AVPS, a certain awesome version of Dolores Jane Umbridge walked on stage. And it all clicked. That’s when I realized I hadn’t seen my teacher before, I had read about her. So I reread the description of Professor Umbridge in the Harry Potter books—and I swear, I could have been reading about my teacher, they were so alike.
I know, I know, I sound like just another awesome-slightly-crazy Potter fan. But I’m not. Okay, I am, but not about this. My teacher (Coach Swan) and Professor Umbridge share uncanny similarities, and the more I looked for them, the more I found. So, I give forth all of my evidence that Dolores Jane Umbridge is in fact alive and well, and currently residing in my school.
Risk-Free Ways of Teaching. Much like Professor Umbridge, Coach Swan prefers to spend her time talking about practicing, instead of actually practicing. I know as a student I should enjoy not actually having to work out, but it’s even worse listening to her nonsensical theories. Why actually try something ourselves, when we could read about other people doing it? Her logic consists of “WOMAN POWER, WE DON’T NEED PRACTICE TO PASS PE!”
Students: "There's nothing in here about running a mile under the national standard."
Swan: "Running a mile?! Well, I can't imagine why you would need to run a mile in my classroom. You'll be learning about running miles in a secure, risk-free way."
Love of Power. Coach Swan is in love with our principal. I’m pretty sure he’s Fudge, since he’s not too great himself. No matter what we’re supposed to be doing that day, we can expect a highly embellished story of how great Mr. Fudge is. She’s even gotten other teachers fired (including one of the most popular teachers) on account that they “Weren’t nice to her” or “didn’t agree with her.” As a result, all of the other teachers are now afraid of her, since she’s has so much power over Mr. Fudge. Soon she’ll be passing educational decrees.
Inquisitorial Squad. You know those girls that are always starting drama and getting into other kid’s lives? Well those girls are Coach Swan’s only fans. She’s even got them reporting to her if one of the other students or teachers do something she wouldn’t like. Next thing we know, they’ll be plotting to murder Dumbledore and joining the Death Eaters.
Strange Pink Obsession. At the beginning of the year, she made fun of a girl for having her hair all styled, telling her that “School isn’t a fashion show.” Coach Swan then proceeded to wear highly expensive entirely pink outfits from then on, complete with a pink headband and hot pink sperrys. No, I’m not kidding. ENTIRELY PINK OUTFITS! Even Effie Trinket would have been blinded by the pink.
Voice. It’s said that when Professor Umbridge gets angry, her voice get higher. The higher her voice, the more dangerous she is. It’s much the same with Coach Swan. She also hasn’t lost that “Hem Hem” she was so famous for in the books. It’s just now more of a “Tic Tic.”
“Need a cough drop, Dolores?”
Looks. Now, I’m not one to call anyone out on looks. I think people are beautiful because of what’s on the inside. But what’s inside Coach Swan is a big juicy fly. Her resemblance to Professor Umbridge’s physical description is scarily spot-on. When she’s inflicting punishment, her features begin to transform into a rather amphibian-like appearance. We’re all waiting for the day she starts to “Ribbit.”
Personality. Here’s the trait that sold me on the idea that Professor Umbridge had somehow ended up at my school. Just like Professor Umbridge, Coach Swan is a nasty piece of work. Her favorite thing to do is pick on kids that aren’t having a great day to begin with, and find ways to really make them miserable.
“I can tell you why you’re upset. It’s because you have a rotten attitude.”
She really despises kids in general, and I’m still trying to figure out why she chose teaching as a career. If you have to remind your students daily “This is why I hate kids” then she really should find a better job. Like going off to work with centaurs or something.
You have all of my evidence, Sparklers, it’s now up to you to decide. DUH DUM DUM (Dramatic music)
We are officially terrified of your gym teacher. We are also willing to re-form Dumbledore's Army to protect you. Who's in?
Related post: My Crush is a Team Starkid Character
Image credit: http://images.wikia.com/harrypotter/images/c/c6/Imeldadr7.jpg
Post a comment!