How I'd Spend the Last 8.3 Minutes of My Postapocalyptic Life
Zombies? Psshhh. Carlorossiriver is more concerned about the inevitable death of the sun. –Sparkitors
I’ve read a lot of stuff about the zombie apocalypse, specifically tips on how to survive it. I agree that they are both ridiculously funny and useful, were I to engage in an all-out war with the undead. But I don’t want to actually have to use them. So instead of considering the possibility that I could die in a decomposing monster’s digestive track, I choose to believe in science! Where does one go to learn about science? School! Just kidding. You go to National Geographic. Since I equate class discussions with doodle time and Nat Geo with useful and interesting science trivia, I learn more from the TV in two minutes than from my teacher in a whole school year.
So I’m more worried about this: 5 billion years from now, the sun will die. And when that happens, our descendants will have approximately 8.3 minutes before they die a dark, cold death. So what do your great, great, to-the-tenth-power great grandchildren do in the last 8.3 minutes of their lives? Here’s how I would spend my last few minutes on a hellish, sunless earth:
1. Steal a car and take it for a joyride over your teachers’ lawns.
2. Set your schoolbooks on fire. (Bonus: Your bonfire could serve as a light and heat source when those 8.3 minutes are up.)
3. Go bungee-jumping. This will also help you get used to the feeling of being thrown around when the earth spirals out of control.
4. Have a cheeseburger-eating contest with your friends! Then regurgitate on random strangers. The mean-looking ones.
5. Tie yourself to a big firework, then light it. Yes, jetpacks will achieve the same effect, but fireworks look prettier and are more colorful.
6. Run around naked while prophesizing about the deadly, cold darkness that will befall the earth.
7. Watch Dan Bergstein’s knitting video 1.25 times.
8. Tear out all the pages from bookstore magazines just because you can.
9. Stare at the cover of any boring book you cannot bear to read for 18 seconds, then fall asleep for the next 8 minutes and die a quiet, peaceful death.
10. Write a short piece for Writer Wars. You won’t have to go through the pain of rejection since, ya know…no one will live to see the results.
11. Stay out of digestive tracks of people—dead, alive, or undead.
What would you do with your last 8.3 minutes? We would pee our pants, probably.
Related post: Why Sparklers will Survive the Apocalpyse
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