Auntie SparkNotes: The DTR Do-Over

Dear Auntie Sparknotes,

Reading your advice about DTR made me finally gather the courage to ask for help from the professional. I feel like I'm in a similar situation as LW discussed, but the problem is I've already tried talking to the guy I'm in like with in the manner you've suggested. And I'm still VERY confused.

I asked him what we were the first time last year, and he simply answered friends. I was alright with that, until over the summer he started getting more affectionate and seemingly romantic. It got to the point that most friends asked me if we were dating, and when I told them no, asked why not. So a few months ago I felt the need to ask him again what's going on. Again, friendship. This time, I mentioned there were certain behaviors he exhibited that went beyond the realm of platonic, and that he needed to stop if he doesn't want a relationship.

And yet, he's gotten worse instead of better. Nowadays, he holds my hand, leans on me/is in too-close-for-friendly proximity, purposely sits next to me in classes, does anything I ask of him, joins me in my extracurriculars, plays with my hair, talks to me constantly, tells me he loves me, asked to (and actually did) meet my father, and acting possessively -- among a few other things. I'm the only girl he does these things with, and we're around each other literally all the time. Some friends have tried to help things along by making comments like calling me "his woman" or mentioning when he does something they consider "kind of a boyfriend thing to do." He normally just accepts what they say or laughs and brushes it off.

What little I can distance myself from him has been unsuccessful due to having half of my classes with him, and that he immediately goes all puppy-dog eyes and asks what's wrong. It's so contradictory and I don't know what more I can do. I don't want to lose a great friendship, but it currently doesn't feel like JUST friendship.

Why, no! No, it doesn't! And steel yourself, Sparkler, because the only way out of this jam is through... (*terror chord!*)... DIRECT CONFRONTATION.

Because when a person you care about is repeatedly, flagrantly violating a no-meaningless-flirting directive—which is exactly what you gave him when you asked that he, y'know, not flirt with you meaninglessly—it's time to revisit the topic. And since he's either too shy, too clueless, or too catastrophically evil to admit that he is, in fact, slobbering all over you, you're gonna have to point it out for him.

The good news is, I know you can do this; after all, you already did it! Twice! And because of that, you've got a quick and easy shortcut to the confusion-ending confrontation you need: just a) remind him of your last conversation, and b) ask him what gives.

Or, in other words: "Hey, broseph, remember when I told you a few months ago to please stop flirting with me if you didn't want to be more than friends? Well, you haven't stopped flirting with me, and it's driving me up the wall. Are you interested in me as more than a friend, or not?"

(And for extra credit: "And if not, then WHAT THE HELL?")

Will this be absolutely terrifying? Oh, yes. Yes, it will. But even if you come away from this conversation in need of a stiff drink and a clean pair of undies, you'll still be better off. Because if he hems and haws, dodges and deflects, or otherwise pretends he has no idea what you're talking about, then you'll know that he's a mixed-signal-sending butthead who messed with your feelings, knowingly or not—in which case you can tell him exactly where to stick his flirty behavior from now on.

And if likes you, he'll take this golden gift of an opportunity to say so... in which case a bad case of nerves and some minor pants-wetting is a small price to pay for the pleasure of snagging a boyfriend.

And if there's one lesson I could impart to you all as a year-end takeaway, this would be it: sometimes, you just have to stop futzing around and say things out loud. Even if it's scary. Even if it makes you vulnerable. Even if you might get hurt. Because even if the worst comes to pass, and putting yourself out there ends with a big, fat punch to the feelings, you will still be okay. So confront that frenemy! Confess that crush! Find some confidence pants, and hike 'em up your wazoo like a champion! And then, let's all meet back here in 2012 to talk about our ballsy accomplishments. Happy New Year!

Have you ever had the guts to confront a mixed-signal-sending crush? Tell us all about it!

Related post: Auntie SparkNotes: DTR ASAP!