Chapter Thirteen: Detention With Dolores
Better Title: Saw 7
I didn't scream when Dumbledore died. I didn't shed a tear for Sirius or Moody. When one of the Weasley twins was killed, I hung my head but didn't moan.
Those scenes are tough to read, but this is the most affective chapter in all seven books. Even sitting here now and writing about it, I'm feeling a prickle on the back of my hand.
In this horror show of a chapter, Harry faces five nights of detention with Professor Umbridge, during which he is forced to repeatedly write, "I must not tell lies." With each stroke of the horrid quill (not to be confused with the Horrid Quil from Twilight), the letters and words are painfully scratched into the back of Harry's own hand.
For hours upon hours Harry must endure the self-inflicted torture as the words cut and bleed on the back of his hand. And all the while the smirking, jolly Umbridge is nodding along and making sure Harry finishes his punishment.
Attention modern storytellers: This is how you make a good villain.
What makes this chapter even more heartbreaking is that Harry refuses to seek help from school administrators and keeps the punishment a secret from even his closest friends. He's determine to outlast the hellish Umbridge. You have to respect that.
(But if a sadistic teacher is making you carve words into your body, do seek help. Or call me. I will save you! I'm tough.)
I guess some cutters or self-mutilators in the world find another meaning in this chapter, but cutting is an issue I choose not to discuss in a goofy blog such as this. And so instead…here's a poem.
Rainbows
By Daniel Adam Bergstein
This poem is called Rainbows,
But it's not about curvy light.
I named my pet eel Rainbows,
And she's hungry for a fight.
She has 77 teeth up front,
And 95 surround her tail.
And instead of eyes she has spiders.
And her tongue is just a nail.
She's nasty and she's deadly.
She will kill you with one try.
So when my mailman mentions Rainbows
Now you know why he doth cry.
Some other stuff happens in this chapter, but the detention scenes are what will forever live in my memory.
ARGH! I want to punch Umbridge in the face with a flaming boxing glove!!!
Favorite Part of the Chapter: The part where I punch Umbridge in the face with a flaming boxing glove. (I added it in the margins of the book.)
Deleted Scene
Inside Castle Twilight
EDITOR: So in these Harry Potter books, the author places the hero in a seemingly un-winnable circumstance wherein he must endure terrible agony and loss in order to achieve his goal. He must feel real physical pain and push through it. The necessary horror of the scene sets everything up for a rather compelling story. It's the opposite of exploitative. It's crucial to the story! Maybe we should try that?
STEPHENIE MEYER: I understand completely. What if, like, some pretty man had to bite a baby out of his wife's uterus? And the wife gets everything she wants because she's pretty and good at sex.
EDITOR: I think you missed the point. And who, exactly, is the villain in that story?
STEPHENIE: Um…society, maybe. Or the moon? We can call it Bad Moon! Or, Moon Goes Away! Sounds good, right?
EDITOR: If I say yes, may I have my hamster back?
STEPHENIE: Never!!! [Thunderclap]
Chapter Fourteen: Percy and Padfoot
Better Title: Cho Pan
If Ginny is as interesting as a lamp, then Cho Chang is as charming as a smaller, dimmer lamp. Cho is the Itty Bitty Book Light of lamps —a book light in need of new batteries.
Nope. I'm not a member of the Chang Gang. I don't like her. I never liked her. I don't like her in the books. I hate her in the movies. And in a fair world, her action figure would come with a caffeine pill to keep kids awake while they play with it.
It's not reasonable to compare all the Potter gals to Luna Lovegood, but both Ginny and Cho are 600% boring. Am I wrong? Is there anyone out there who feels that either Ginny or Cho are intriguing characters and not simply placeholders for Harry's "relationship partner"?
Eh. Whatever. Luna rules.
While mailing a letter to Sirius, Harry has a one-on-one conversation with Cho. They seem perfect for each other; Cho enjoys powerful, popular men and Harry is fond of women who are as fun as televised dentistry.
Because it was Christmas, I rushed through the rest of the chapter so that I could open presents and cram Reese's peanut butter bells in my mouth, so forgive me if I miss something. Here's what happens:
Ron wins a spot on the Quidditch team.
Percy tries to convince Ron that Dumbledore is a lunatic.
Sirius appears in the fire and wants to meet with Harry at Hogsmeade.
And for Christmas, I got a stuffed monkey that you can fling across the room. Named him Bandit.
Favorite Part of the Chapter: Ron's Quidditch practice.
Deleted Scene
HARRY: I talked with Cho today. It was awesome!
RON: Cool. Did you ask her out?
HARRY: No. But she did say I was brave.
RON: That's great.
HARRY: I love the way she blinks. Girls who can blink are damn sexy.
RON: Right. Anyway, Hermione is kind of fantastic. I mean, she's smart, and brave, and has wonderful ideas, and…
HARRY: Yeah, but Cho can walk in a straight line. She can also turn right or left. I've seen her do it! I see her do it when I close my eyes. [closes eyes and smiles] Mmm…left.
RON: Neat. But Hermione is kind and adventurous and…
HARRY: Cho's knees look like two beautiful, tiny overturned bowls. I love knees! I want to make out with her knees! Knees are the best!
RON: Seriously? Knees? There's nothing special about knees. My own sister has knees.
HARRY: [opens eyes] Reeeeeally? Tell me more!
Chapter Fifteen: The Hogwarts High Inquisitor
Better Title: Dumbridge Strikes Back
It's been announced that Professor Umbridge will be evaluating every teacher at Hogwarts for the Ministry of Magic.
You suck, Umbridge!
You suck and I hope you die in a fire…a fire made of broken glass!
The uptight b-word of a teacher goes from class to class asking the teachers questions about their teaching styles. She nearly destroys Professor Trelawney with her questioning, and is only somewhat thwarted by the mighty and fantastic McGonagall. McG is the only professor willing to stand up against Umbridge. You go, girl! (Do people still say that?)
During Defense Against the Dark Arts, Hermione once again butts heads with Umbridge by trying to outsmart the teacher. Harry joins the war of wits and reminds everyone that he faced Voldemort last year.
And for that, Harry is given more hand-hurting detentions.
Later, Hermione has a brilliant idea: If Umbridge is unwilling to teach them Defense Against the Dark Arts, then Harry can do it. Harry is the only student to battle Voldemort, not to mention his other heroic acts from previous years, so surely he can secretly teach his classmates some tips and tricks.
Harry isn't too keen on the idea and starts a fight with his friends.
Don't be too hard on him. He's under a lot of stress, just as I was with my Christmas shopping. I hope this explains why I pounded my fists against the floor of WalMart while screaming, "No one understands! No one!"
Apologies to all who witnesses that. I also apologies for the offensive things I said about the wrapping paper and Elmo. And I'm sorry for trying to blow up the mall with my mind.
Favorite Part of the Chapter: Hermione picking apart the logic of her reading assignment in front of Umbridge.
Deleted Scene
HARRY: Hi, Aragog!
ARAGOG: Shut up.
HARRY: No!
ARAGOG: Sorry?
HARRY: No! I will not shut up. I come down here every few months just to say hi. And every damn time you give me business. You call me Johnny Haircut. You make fun of my lack of education or the fact that I don't know what girls look like or what a varginal is. Well shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shuuuuut Uuuuup!
ARAGOG: Whoa! Wait. I was just—
HARRY: You were just what? You were just a dumb blind spider. That's what. You're not scary. You're not going to eat me. You’re a blind old jerk. Hell, you couldn't even find me if I were screaming "Polo" in front of your face!
ARAGOG: Kid, I was just messing around. I didn't—
HARRY: And then you get your son Leroy to make fun of me too? What the hell is that? You like being a bully? You like picking on a kid? Congrats on making me feel bad. You made an orphan cry. Way to go. You win that war. Give yourself a freaking medal and pin it to your worthless hollow heart.
ARAGOG: I was—
HARRY: Save it for your skanky girlfriend. I'm done with this. I'm done with the whole damn forest. Nothing but ticks and deer crap in there. I'm not coming back. Up yours, you eight-armed ass sandwich.
[Harry walks away]
LEROY: What the hell was that about?
ARAGOG: I don’t know, but I think I want to adopt that orphaned little foul-mouthed bundle of anger. He's so angsty!
House Bergstein School Announcements:
The winter semester starts Monday. The new classes offered are as follows:
Elf Traps - 201
Understanding Magical Fabrics
History of the Smells
Introduction to Mind Dancing
Conclusion to Mind Dancing
Things That Shouldn't Be
AP Power Orbs (credits will transfer to eligible universities as a Foreign Language or Math credit)
Rare Names
Advanced Rare Names
Magical Ladders and Ropes and Hammers
Zombie Diplomacy
Homework Assignment:
Respectfully imitate a giraffe. Don't be mean just because they're giraffes.
Forget something.
Define the word "hooply."
Related posts: Blogging Harry Potter
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