Top Ten Ways to Get Your SO to Dump You

So, you think your relationship has run its course, but you don’t really know how to end things. In fact, you don’t really want to end things. It’s difficult to find the words, the timing, and the guts to pull the plug on even the shortest of relationships. Wouldn’t it be easier if the other person could just do it for you?

Yeah. We think so too. So we’ve compiled the Top Ten Ways to Get Your SO to Dump You. So you don’t have to do it yourself:

10) Share a meaningful experience with someone else. This is a great way to lay the groundwork for some major rifts. You know how you and your SO used to plant radishes every March with Old Mr. MacDougal down the block. Well, do it with someone else instead. And this time plant radishes and turnips. Your SO will be all “wh-wh-what? I said we should plant turnips last year and you said that was root vegetable overkill? What gives?!”

9) Constantly bring up what a great friend “so-and-so” is. Talk about this person to your SO. A lot. “So-and-so is such a great friend! He saved my life during a freak clothes drying accident. I don’t know anyone as brave or absorbent as him!” Oh, and extra points if that friend is actually named So-and-so.

8) Make yourself unavailable. “Sorry, I’m washing my hair tonight” is played out, but there are plenty of really great excuses to start sending the message to your SO that they aren’t at the top of your to do list. Some great ones include “Helping your mom wax her upper lip,” “Tightening the screws on all of the doorknobs in your house,” “Making an exact replica of my teeth with pre-chewed gum,” and “Training for the Garden Hose Sprinkler Run Olympics.”

7) Forget your anniversary. Especially if you find out ahead of time that your SO has something big planned. Make sure that you’re in your PJs, knuckle deep in a bowl of Chex Mix watching a marathon of iCarly when the SO shows up for the big night. And when he/she says “But it’s our big night!,” simply hold up a plush doll of iCarly and say “Try telling that to her, you vicious heartbreaker!”

6) Become wildly interested in a hobby/pastime/sports team that your SO can’t stand. Is your SO a big Yankee fan? Become a Red Sox fan. Does he/she have a paralyzing fear of water? Join the Merchant Marines. Does your SO hate stamp collecting? Wear a stamp costume on all subsequent dates.

5) Be obnoxious. Obvious? Perhaps. A lot of fun? You betcha! Creativity is your friend here. Experiment with Playdough, and how it can be snuck into your SO’s food in different ways. Discover how loud a tuning fork can be when struck against the back of your SO’s head. Explore the various “accidental” uses of motor oil when used in conjunction with your SO’s wardrobe.

4) Become obsessed with the musical saw. But don’t just stop there. There are a myriad of unexplainable instruments that are ripe for exploitation. The electric banjo. The mouth harp, in C-sharp. The miniature accordion. Spoon drums. Skull percussion (See previous entry on uses for a tuning fork.)

3) Become super touchy feely with everyone but your SO. Become King Hug of Happiness Mountain. Ask people if you can smell their aura. Offer to give your friends “full body embraces.” Create a ritual dance greeting for anyone you meet. Except for your SO. With him/her, maintain a respectful distance and shake their hand. But only if they ask you to.

2) Insist that the Star Wars Episode One is the best Star Wars movie ever made.

1) Kiss another person. This one might be difficult because of morals and stuff, but trust us, if you want to break a committed relationship, you've got to commit to being a total butt circle. Kiss your friends. Kiss the guy who slices your turkey at the deli. Kiss your dry cleaner, limo driver, and butler. And then kiss your SO's best friend. You may end up in a puddle of self-loating (or your own blood, depending on your SO), but at least you'll be single.

Have you ever taken an extreme measure to get someone to dump you?

Related post: Dumping a Fictional Character