The Woes of Being Way Too Tall

vballsoccerhorsechic is fed up with all the fun-sized whiners out there. Can you blame her?—Sparkitors

Over my career as a professional Sparkler, and human in general, I’ve read/heard/seen/experienced a lot of complaints about being short. And although I’m sure being adorable and potential dating material for all guys is rough (sarcasm elbow), I’m here to share with you the other side of the height spectrum: the woes of being a human giraffe.
1. Clumsiness isn’t cute anymore. First of all, while clumsiness is perfectly acceptable and even cute for a short-to-average girl, on tall people it resembles a blindfolded, three-legged elephant tripping. Or maybe that’s just me, but in any case the height doesn’t help. Secondly, if you’re tall, you usually have big feet/hands, which only exacerbate your clumsiness.

2. You stand out like the Empire State building in a village of tiny cottages. Whether it’s at a school dance, the mall, or just a general public place, you will always be awkwardly noticeable in your group of friends. This seriously hinders ninja activity in the event that your crush inexplicably shows up and you look like crap. You are known as “that tall girl” by everyone you don’t really know, and “tall for her age” is how every adult describes you.

3. Guys. Every one of my friends tells me that the guys will grow, and I’m sure they will, but I wish they’d freaking hurry up. Right now, there are four guys in my grade who are taller than me. Four guys. No matter how many “models are tall” encouragements I get, that will never change the fact that my neck barely manages the angle necessary to make eye contact with the cutest guys in the school. Just by being tall, I’m already out of the question for them from the first glance.

4. One word: Heels. Heels are my worst enemy, although I would love to be able to wear them. While all you girls blessed with the gift of non-gargantuan height can traipse around in 4-inch heels, look stunning, show off your shmexy legs, and STILL be only as tall as the average guys, I look like some kind of sick clown, the kind that walks on stilts and frightens little children. So I’m reduced to wearing the flattest flats I can find that pass as acceptably cute and don’t make my huge feet look even huger.

5. Clothes, Shopping, etc. My body is not exactly that of a model’s, so you can imagine the agony of dress shopping. I have the unfortunate combo of really, really long legs and a tiny, squashed little torso. This body type is one I like to call chicken-on-stilts, and is the absolute worst for dresses. Those adorable ruffled short ones don’t work. At all. The only type of dress that does is the tight, fitted kind, because they kind of blend my hips with my waist, giving the allusion that my torso is longer than it is. Of course, any chubbiness shows up right away in these dresses.

Oh, the woes of being tall! Any advice for our Sparkler?

Related Post: The Perks of Being Fun-sized

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