Should You Choose Reincarnation?

UnicornDangerClub-CornOnMyHead doesn't want you facing death until you've weighed all your options. –Sparkitors

So, dying’s not fun. I mean, I'm pretty sure it’s not fun, but opinions do vary on what happens when you’re actually dead. Of course, everyone knows that the Grim Reaper comes riding up on a skeletal unicorn pulling a combine harvester ready to carry souls into the core of the Earth, but what happens then?

Let’s say the Grim Reaper gives you a choice: you either get taken to the core of the earth and try your luck there with the other souls, or you can try reincarnation and hope you do better next time. Oh no, you think, as if I haven’t taken enough multiple choice tests to last me an eternity! And this time the examiner is grinning at you, even though he doesn’t have eyeballs. Or a nose. Or, you know, an actual face.

So that’s where I come in. I’m going to help you make an informed decision on what to do with your afterlife!

Pros of Reincarnation:

1. You might come back as someone really interesting! Like the king of a small, powerful municipality, or a rock star/inventor.

2. You get a chance to do those things you regretted not doing. Kiss that person you didn’t have the guts to. Climb that mountain you never climbed, maybe because you weren’t a mountain climber. Eat that greasy, oily, OMGpurecalorieoverload burger you always avoided.

3. Be even cooler. If you wrote a novel before, then get reincarnated and write a gigantic eighty-seven book-long series about unicorns! If you released an album in your previous life, then release an entire rock opera series about reincarnation, because now you have some experience.

4. Get another chance at being a stupid teenager. Always fun.

5. Sarcasm is one of the privileges of being alive. Dead people are either angels and totally sincere or devils and totally evil (at least according to the movies). So treasure the very human trait of sarcasm! Hoard it. Unleash it into the world in torrents, because you know it feels good.

Cons of Reincarnation:

1. You might come back as someone (or something) terrible. Like a sea sponge or a YouTube starlet.

2. Potty training. Again. Do you really want to go through the emotional scarring of finally being free of your diapers, only to realize you have to actually aim your feces into a tiny plastic bowl to make your mother happy?

3. Relearning about the horizontal naked dance. Cucumbers, anyone?

4. Relearning the cause-and-effect relationship between your birth and your parents’, you know, HND.

5. Experiencing the chemicals in your body fluctuating as you hit puberty. Why can’t our hormones do something cool, like those of a civet cat? Why can’t we swallow lame coffee beans and poop out awesome, delicious coffee that can be sold for hundreds of dollars?

6. Realizing you’re even less cool than you were before!

7. Celebrating your birthday and realizing you’re going to die someday…again. Oh, great. *Drone of combine harvester in the distance*

Would you take a chance on reincarnation?

Related post: My Crush is...a Guy Who Died Years Ago

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