Why Trees Are the Perfect Life Partner (Warning: This Post is 9 Kinds of Crazy)

Iris gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "going green."—Sparkitors

Tired of human courting rituals? Of the games and flirting, and all the effort that goes in to maintaining a meaningful relationship with another individual of the same species? Well, then, I think you're ripe for a life partner of the leafy persuasion. Sure, its expression may be wooden (pun-zo) at times—okay, at all times—but compared to the numerous advantages of dating a conifer, this slight drawback would be nothing at all. Here's why a tree would make the perfect life partner:

They provide oxygen. No, duh. With your significant other in the room, you won't have to worry about oxygen depletion. So, if there's a cave or mineshaft that you really want to explore, go right ahead! Even if the entrance collapses and air circulation gets cut off, you know your life partner will be there providing you with fresh, breathable air 24/7 (until you die, eventually, from thirst and hunger).

They're always there for you. And I mean always. You know where to find them, because they'll be in the same place forever—they are rooted into the ground. They won't move, or go away, and you can be together for eternity. Until you get up and leave, of course.

They're nice to animals. Did your ex let baby birds live in his hair? Did she let squirrels cozy up in her chest cavity so the poor animals wouldn't t freeze during winter? And what about the crickets? And all the baby plants and fungus? I bet your ex never even thought about the well-being of fungus. If you're still dating a human, you better leave 'em right now. I mean, look at that wonderful tree over there, just waiting for you! Of course it's no Redwood, honey, because let's be honest, Redwoods are out of your league. So, okay, its trunk does look a bit gnarly, but it has a really nice personality...from what I can tell. You know, you should never judge a book by its cover, or a tree by its trunk.

They never complain, ever. This is where the wooden expression part comes in. You can scream, kick, shout at it, hurl all sorts of mean, derogatory insults at it, even chop branches off, and you're guaranteed no backlash. Nothing. Just...silence. And crickets chirping. Oh, look, there's a baby bird on its branch. Awww...now you feel terribly guilty and have to apologize. Of course, this doesn't produce a reaction either, but at least you can rest easy knowing you've tried.

They'll always protect you. Wild bear chasing you? Climb. Parents? Climb. Zombie apocalypse? Climb. And if any angry mobsters try to shoot you, just hide behind it. Don't worry, its sturdy enough to survive.

Flowers for every occasion. If your soulmate happens to be of the flowering variety, then you've just earned yourself a free pass on every holiday. Mother's Day, Christmas, visiting the sick, heck, even Valentine's (it's cheating, but if you're running really low on cash, it ought to understand)—you're covered. If you need flowers, just pluck away.

They'll never let you go hungry. Same reasoning as above, except applicable to fruit trees (which, actually, happen to flower most of the time.) Also an extremely handy skill for that cave/mine exploration thing.

No relationship drama. No relationship anything, actually. You know, it's actually quite peaceful. Having a non-relationship relationship is incredibly good for your mental health. And, hello, baby squirrels? ADORABLE. Plus, trees are easy to break up with. Bored of your leafy companion? No problem! Just leave it there, it can't follow you anyways, on account of not having any legs. If you don't ever want to see its ugly trunk again, just uproot it and plant it somewhere else. If you hate it, then chop it up and turn it into a nice new mahogany desk. If you really hate it, then turn it into firewood and you're guaranteed a nice, cozy winter.

PS: The Whomping Willow is not, for all express purposes, included in the list of date-able trees. The writer is hereby indemnified from and against any and all claims, demands, actions, suits, losses, costs, charges, expenses, damages and liabilities whatsoever which the writer may pay, sustain, suffer or incur by reason of or in connection with any injuries sustained from the Whomping Willow by readers of this post as a result of contents of said post.

PPS.: I don't know who wrote this post, okay? It clearly wasn't me. I promise. I mean, trees? Even if I did write this, it was a result of late-night procrastination, and, as such, I was under the influence of about a gajillion cans of Red Bull and as many chocolate bars. But I sent it anyway because it would be a waste to throw it away. And it's a pretty expensive post, too, because a gajillion cans of Red Bull cost a lot.

PPS: Wow. Just, wow. There's an actual word for sexual attraction to trees. Its called dendrophilia. DENDROPHILIA. This. Is. Officially. Awesome. And kind of messed up.

Before anybody gets up in arms about WHATEVER, just take a deep, tree-provided breath and realize that this post is meant to be funnnnyyyy. Now: how soon will you be breaking up with your human SO and moving onto your tree soulmate?

Related post: Mission Green: Easy Ways to Help the Environment