Holiday movies come in all shapes and sizes. Well, actually, the shape is pretty much the same. Anyway, of all the movies to watch this Christmas, none is greater than Die Hard! This month we assigned Die Hard to all members of the SparkNotes Movie Club and conducted our first ever video live-blog. I was very tired and out of my mind during the event, but it was a lot of fun. Thanks to everyone who stopped by and watched me say words.
So what makes Die Hard better than all other Christmas movies? Let’s explain by asking very specific discussion questions. My answers appear below each question, and you’re invited to provide your own answer in the comments section. Those who do will get 77 Dan Points. Those who don’t will only get 76 Dan Points. (It is Christmas, after all.)
1. Why is Die Hard better than Elf?
Elf is a great movie. We can all agree on that. But it’s also a movie rife with plot holes and inconsistencies. For instance: How does Buddy walk all the way to New York? He says he walked through the Lincoln Tunnel, and that means he walked through New Jersey, and more specifically he had to walk along the highway. In a post-9/11 world, the Port Authority police would not allow even a mouse dressed as an elf to walk into the tunnel unescorted. And yet Buddy had no problem? This means either Buddy is a liar or the filmmakers underestimate the audience’s intelligence! Die Hard, on the other hand, is a believable story told without any plot holes whatsoever. (Sarcasm Hand)
2. Why is Die Hard better than the Polar Express?
There are no whiny nerd characters in Die Hard. That whiny nerd kid in the Polar Express almost ruins the entire movie. All the other kids are voiced by real children, but the nerd is voiced by the guy who played the nerd in Grease. Grease! That movie is like 50 years old! Maybe I’m alone in this, but that voice irritates me greatly. Meanwhile, in Die Hard, there is the amazing voice of Alan Rickman. You tell me which voice is better.
3. Why is Die Hard better than A Christmas Story?
Ralphie’s quest for the BB Gun makes for a wonderful holiday movie (it was last year’s Movie Club pick and I drew this scary picture), but his gun shoots only a metal sign and his own cheek. John McClane’s gun shoots kneecaps and chests. Winner: Die Hard.
4. Why is Die Hard better than It’s A Wonderful Life?
George Bailey needs an angel to help him survive. John McClane needs only his bare feet, some guns, and one helpful chubby police officer. Hmm…what if that chubby cop was really an angel?! MIND BLOWN!
5. Why is Die Hard better than A Miracle on 34th Street?
The principal from The Breakfast Club is in Die Hard. He’s not in A Miracle on 34th Street.
6. Why is Die Hard better than any version of A Christmas Carol?
Most versions of A Christmas Carol drag, particularly during The Ghost of Christmas Past’s long, boring section. Guns start firing within the first thirty minutes of Die Hard and they don’t stop until “Winter Wonderland” plays and the credits roll.
7. Why is Die Hard better than White Christmas?
Are you serious? Have you actually watched White Christmas? Have you sat through the entire movie? That’s not a movie. That’s just old people singing for three hours. And half the songs aren’t even about Christmas. They’re about the sky, and sisters, and choreography. The title song is OK, but there’s no need to make a whole movie about it. Put it this way, I’d rather rewatch A Very Potter Musical than White Christmas. And I’m not a fan of AVPM, as you all know. Die Hard wins.
8. Why is Die Hard better than Love Actually?
Love Actually is a good movie, but points must be deducted, as the success of the ensemble holiday film lead to the release of movies like Valentine’s Day and New Years Eve. That’s an unforgivable sin.
9. Why is Die Hard better than Christmas Vacation?
Because my dad doesn’t quote Die Hard. I can’t say that about Christmas Vacation. (And he gets the quotes wrong. Grrr.)
10. Why is Die Hard better than The Nightmare Before Christmas?
The Nightmare Before Christmas wants to be both a Halloween movie and a Christmas movie, and the genre-transcendence melts my brain. Also, there are no rooftop explosions in The Nightmare Before Christmas. And Die Hard is not trendy amongst wannabe goth kids. I would have more respect for someone with a Die Hard sticker on their car than a Jack Skellington sticker.
Conclusion: Die Hard is good.
Do you agree?