How to Talk to a Guy

LuckyCharmsLizz has the perfect guide for all you shy Sparklers out there! Now get out there and start talkin' to some menfolk!—Sparkitors

I’m not going to lie: I have plenty of white-knight fantasies. Nothing delights me more than the classic romantic ideal of a brave, handsome man wooing the woman of his dreams. But that generally doesn’t happen to me in real life. Unfortunately, my classmates do not wear armor, and they're lacking a lot of the "knightly" characteristics I dream of.

This is 2011. Girls have the right to vote, show ankle, and approach guys without being labeled as a scarlet woman. I realize that approaching a guy seems weird and unusual, but Ron Weasley is also weird and unusual, but we all like him, right?

All  of this rambling has a point, and that point starts with a question: Do you want to talk to guys? Are you sick of waiting for him to make a move? Does this sound like an infomercial to you? I, Lizz, am about to share my trade secrets—hold onto your hats. Here are the dos and don’ts’s of approaching a guy.

Do: Smile. Seriously. It’s friendly in every language, so you can smile at someone without worrying that they’ll be offended. It’s good to make sure that it’s an appropriate smile moment, though; don’t grin at a dude who's deep in conversation with another girl, or one who just punched a locker. Then you’re just weird. But honestly, as you’re looking around, if you make eye contact with a cutie, hold his gaze and smile. This establishes that you’re interested in talking to him and will most likely lead to a conversation. Once you're chatting, keep the topics light and funny, and avoid anything too personal, like an in-depth explanation of why you have a huge crush on the piano player from Charlie Brown. (No judging. We are in a judge-free zone. This is the cone of love).

Don’t: Try mind tricks. They’re incredibly stupid. I’ve tried those Rube Goldberg-esque strategies involving the bend and snap, dropping bracelets, talking strategically loudly about something I know he loves, etc. Not only do these strategies never work, but they’re ridiculously obvious. If you smile at a guy, he’ll think you’re friendly. If you play games to get him to talk to you, he’ll think you’re a trollop and he'll wonder how many other guys you’ve tried that trick on. Honestly.

Do: Try to catch him alone, if possible. It’s hard for people to open up in front of their friends. I learned this when I was a reporter for my school’s newspaper. I noticed that if I approached someone for a sound bite when s/he was surrounded by friends, they were much more likely to give a goofy answer, whereas people alone tended to be more  serious and reflective. This is applicable to making moves as well; talking to your crush when he's walking to class or alone by his locker means he'll pay more attention to you and neither of you will have to worry about what your pals are thinking.

Don’t: Be creepy. I realize that the media (especially all forms involving Zooey Deschanel) has taught us that awkward = charming = goldmine of dates, but allow me to shed some light on the situation. According to the 3000-page Webster’s Third New International Dictionary (unabridged) that I received for qualifying for the Scripps National Spelling Bee in ’08 (no big deal, LOLJK it’s my greatest achievement), “awkward” can be defined as “lacking social grace and assurance, feeling or showing embarrassment, ill at ease, causing embarrassment.”

Therefore, quirky does not equal awkward. If my keyboard had a key with that equal sign with a slash through it that they use in math, I would place it here. Zooey Deschanel’s characters are charming. A good example of an awkward character would be Larry Tudgeman (Lizzie McGuire, anyone?). He wears the same outfit everywhere. He smells. He talks about freaky things. Ergo, henceforth, and in conclusion, awkward/creepy is not a good thing. However…

Do: Know your subject. I’m not talking hardcore espionage here, but minor (I cannot stress this word enough) creeping can work wonders. Don’t learn his favorite ice cream flavor, his little sister’s middle name, or whom he received his first kiss from, but taking a look at his interests on Facebook can give you a safety net of conversations just in case you get nervous. It’s intimidating to walk up to a guy and start talking, so here’s how this works.

LIZZ SEES A HOT GUY AND REMEMBERS THE FIRST “DO.” LIZZ MAKES EYE CONTACT, SMILES, AND WALKS UP.

Lizz: Hey, you look familiar, have I seen you around somewhere before? (Note: This is most likely a blatant lie. It doesn’t matter. It’s a gateway. Just like marijuana, but not illegal.)

Guy: (some generic answer that probably is along the lines of “No”)

Lizz: Really? Oh, I thought you looked familiar. I’m Lizz, by the way.

Guy: I’m Guy.

THIS IS THE MAKE-IT-OR-BREAK-IT MOMENT. THIS IS WHERE YOU COULD SHYLY SAY, “SEE YA” AND MISS YOUR CHANCE, OR YOU COULD USE ONE OF YOUR SOURCES OF INFORMATION TO START A CONVERSATION.

Lizz: So, do you watch Community?

Guy: YES.

Lizz: Are you heartbroken?

Guy: (Something along the lines of YES)

Lizz: #SixSeasonsAndAMovie!

Guy: OMG SOULMATE LUVVVV

And from there, you can continue onto other TV shows. They can be ones you’ve gathered by creeping, but it isn’t necessary, because at this point it’s been established that you have something in common, so from here you can just learn more about each other.

And my final Don’t: Take a picture of him unless:
a. You know him
b. He’s given you his consent
c. All of the above.

Just trust me on this.

This list seems pretty dead-on to us! Any Manklers out there have tips for how to approach you? Sparklers, have anything you want to add?

Related post: Girls Should Make the First Move!