I Switched Instruments in Marching Band-Now What?

Everything I Know About Twilight, I Learned from the Hype

By Contributor

December 19, 2011

sumsparkler follows in Dan Bergstein's hilarious footsteps with this uncannily accurate list of predictions about the book series you lurve to hate!—Sparkitors

Yes, it's true: there are still people in the world who have not read the Twilight books or seen the Twilight movies. I am one of those people. It's not that I don't enjoy random, paranormal books on occasion; I simply haven't bothered to read them yet. (I'm sure I'll get around to it... someday... maybe...) But even without reading them, I feel like I know them by heart—just because I'm so surrounded by the hype. So without further ado, I present my list of everything I "know" about Twilight.

1: It's about vampires.
2: It's also about werewolves.
3: There is an obnoxious, needy girl named Bella.
4: She is in love with one of the aforementioned vampires.
5: Probably the werewolf, too.
6: The werewolf is SHARKBOY
7: The vampire sparkles (Is this literal sparkling? Metaphorical? Does he wear glitter makeup? Is he a fairy? Does he use SparkLife?)
8: The vampire is named Edward.
9: I bet Bella calls him Eddy.
10: Maybe Eddykins.
11: The werewolf (who's name I don't know) is probably jealous of Eddykins.
12: I bet the werewolf tried to eat Eddykins, then Bella got mad.
13: There is a Team Eddy and a Team Jacob.
14: Perhaps the werewolf's name is Jacob?
15: I'm gonna call him Jakey.
16: There are a lot of dramatic scenes in the movies. I know this because the commercials always show the characters staring dramatically into the sunset and stuff.
17: One of the movies is called Eclipse. Or so I assume, because I bought some gum one time and it said "Eclipse" right under "Eclipse" and had a picture of a vampire.
18: The vampire is secretly Cedric Diggory (That traitor!)
19: People get very defensive about Twilight. It's as risky to write a post about Twilight as it is to write one about nuclear wars or abortion.
20: Jakey takes off his shirt too much.
21: Bella marries Jakey (I think).
22: That's probably why...
23: The vampire is a vegetarian.
24: He probably only eats lazy people (like couch potatoes).
25: I bet the vampire kidnaps Bella at some point.
26: The vampire is creepy.
27: He probably follows Bella sometimes. Seems like something he'd do.
28: I don't think there are any other characters in the book; I have only heard of those 3.
29: Maybe there is a random cousin named Billy in the book.
30: Billy is a good name for a cousin.
31: I am going to start calling my cousin Billy.
32: Bella probably faints a lot. She looks pretty wimpy to me.
33: I bet that Eddykins dies at the end.
34: Most likely by saving Bella from some tragic dramatic circumstances.
35: Billy is proabably Bella's cousin.(Bella, Billy, Bella, Billy.)
36: I bet Bella leaves the werewolf for a zombie.
37: I hope there are zombies in the book.
38: The ending is probably a cliffhanger for the 4th book.
39: Bella looks young enough to be in school. Why isn't she in school? Did she drop out to date Eddykins?
40: Billy's middle name is probably Bob. That would be awesome.