Auntie SparkNotes: It's Not The Thought That Counts

Dear Auntie Sparknotes,

My problem is not of the dire sort, but it is a bit of a conundrum. For my birthday, one of my best friends said she was giving me a book that I wanted, but it hadn't been released yet, so it was an IOU. The book has been out for several months now, and she shows no intention of getting it for me.

I hoped that having her own birthday party would jog her memory that she owed me a gift, but that came and passed. I dropped a light hint that, Hey wait, you never got me that book! And she laughed it off with an "Oops, I forgot!" but still hasn't shown any intention of fixing this.

So my question is Auntie, how should I deal with this situation? Should I just cut my losses and accept that my best friend doesn't stay true to her word (this wasn't the first time something like this has happened), or should I pester her until she pays me back? The latter option seems rude and obnoxious, since demanding to be given gifts isn't exactly a personality plus, but it is upsetting that she so easily forgets about her promises to me. What do you think I should do, Auntie?

First, the bad news: it's time to give up the ghost on the gift. Sorry, Sparkler, but you must—because you're correct, there is no socially acceptable way to demand (let alone guarantee!) that people give you presents without coming off as a selfish, grasping git. (Trust me, if there were, I'd have, like, a billion ponies right now.)

But hang in there! Because while you can't harangue your friend for her failure to gift, that doesn't mean that you don't have a legit bone to pick. Because hey, this isn't just about the birthday gift, right? You said so yourself: this wasn't the first time something like this has happened, and what's got you upset isn't the lack of a present; it's your friend's pattern of making, and then breaking, her promises. And while demanding gifts is a no-go, talking about your disappointment when she fails to keep her word is fully within acceptable parameters for Dealing With Relationships Like A Motherfranking Adult. In fact, letting your unhappy feelings out before they turn into a giant, friendship-ruining resentment bomb is one of life's most necessary skills!

So, the next time she lets you down, let her know—using the tried-and-true conversational formula, "When you x, I feel y." For example: "When you tell me you're going to do something and then never follow through, I feel so disappointed. I care about our friendship very much, and I hate feeling like I can't rely on you to keep your word."

The caveat: it's unlikely that anything you say will cause your friend to magically morph from a word-breaking flake into a pillar of reliability, and that can't be your goal in bringing it up. Realistically, the best you can hope for is that she'll have the self-awareness to think twice from now on before making promises... and that when she fails to deliver, you'll have the wherewithal to shrug it off. Because unless you think she's doing this maliciously (in which case... uh, why are you friends?) then the next stop after this convo should be a state of grace in which you simply accept that she's unreliable, and that's okay, because her fabulousness in all other areas outweighs her flakiness in this one. (Assuming that it does, of course —but presumably she's your BFF for a reason.)

Which, for the record, is also fully within acceptable parameters for Dealing With Relationships Like A Motherfranking Adult.

How would you handle your disappointment with a promise-breaking pal? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.

Related post: Auntie SparkNotes: Friends with Caveats