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An Open Letter to Kim Jong Un

An Open Letter to Kim Jong Un

Hey, Kim Jong Un.

First, let me say that I'm really sorry your dad got ill and died. I didn't really know him but I'm sure he was a fun dad. Let me just say that his death may bring about many good things—for instance, I was going to buy him a USB missile launcher for Christmas, but now I don't have to!

So, Kimmy (can I call you Kimmy?), I know that you've got a lot on your mind at the moment, and I know you might be wondering, "What am I going to do with North Korea's armed forces? I've got 1.2 million personnel that can march really well, and they're all just sitting around." Well, here's what I would do if I was the supreme leader of the Democratic People's Republic of North Korea:

Have a dance party. Those guys are too good for you not to.

Dodgeball Night. And no going back in when you think the judge ain't lookin'. When you're out, you're out. Don't worry, there's 599,999 more dudes on your team.

Lord of the Rings Marathon. At my house! And I may or may not have a pirated copy of The Hobbit. But remember, everybody HAS to dress up as their favorite character. If they want, they can coordinate with a couple hundred thousand of their service mates and come as a complete horde. But I expect each and every person dressing as Uruk-Hai to have a quirky backstory AND a Middle Earth-themed Christmas list. Come on, they need to put some creative effort into their costumes!

Start a friendship with an empathetic TV personality. I'm sure that Miley Cyrus would be a great friend for you in this hard time. Remember that one time on Hannah Montana when she tried to do a crazy scheme without Billy Ray knowing and he found out and got really mad at her? Yeah, she's had her share of dad troubles too. You should try texting her. I think your dad and Billy Ray might have a lot in common.

If you only take away one thing from this letter, I would like you to remember these words from my very white friend Andy Grammer:

Only rainbows after rain
The sun will always come again.
And it's a circle, circling,
Around again, it comes around,
But you gotta keep your head up, oh,
And you can let your hair down, eh.
You gotta keep your head up, oh,
And you can let your hair down, eh.

We're all pushing for you, Kimmy. You can get through this.

How do you feel about Kim Jong Il's death? You can read more about it right here.

Topics: Life
Tags: politics, funny things, lord of the rings, open letters, north korea, kim jong un

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