Operation Christmas: It's Ninja-Stealth-Mode Time!

Remember that series I was doing a long time ago? My “Never Been Kissed” posts? That whole thing? I’ve had people ask if that was over—or if I had seamlessly merged from NBK to BK without telling you guys?! NEVER! You guys are my posse! You’ve stuck with me through all the trials and tribulations of prom and Maybe Dates and That Guy! You’ve witnessed all the worst, most misguided decisions of my high school career! You know too much!

That being said, there are no significant updates. Rest assured that as soon as I hit that particular milestone, you guys will get the whole story—preferably with unexpected twists and turns and a TON of juicy details. But anyway, it’s the holiday season, and Operation Christmas has commenced (you can catch up on all the deets right here)!

Has anybody read The Disreputable History of Frankie Landau-Banks? Where the other characters carry out various misdeeds on behalf their leader, Frankie, while she plots and plans from the shadows? I’m the Frankie Landau-Banks of this scenario, but probably with frizzier hair. When I started this whole shindig, I knew I wouldn’t be in town for the first few days, so I needed to find someone to deliver presents in my stead. I mentally sifted through my short list of friends who hadn’t gone away for college—Allison and Keira. I narrowed it down to Keira, who not only worked a block away from the Smiths’ house but was also the undisputed MASTER of stealth. Also, I was pretty sure she'd be on board. I think the conversation went something like this:

Me: I have this CRAZY-AWESOME idea that will demand secrecy, ninja moves, stalking, Christmas spirit—
Keira: I’m in.
Me: But you don’t even—
Keira: I’M IN.

The problem with being Frankie Landau-Banks was that I was consumed with anticipation on the first of the twelve days of Christmas (my twelve days of Christmas, not the actual twelve days of Christmas. I am commandeering this tradition in a manner befitting Jack Sparrow and his many captured ships). I was trying to study for finals, but I kept wondering, Has Keira already done it? Did they catch her? Did she panic and chuck the present at their faces while screaming obscenities?

I was essentially re-teaching myself the entire French language when Keira called, and I practically upended my desk table diving for the phone.

“HELLO?” I shouted.

“Hi,” she said. “You’re very loud today. But okay, so I’m actually sitting in my car around the corner from their house. The present is in the passenger seat. Doesn’t look like anyone’s home.”

“This sounds a lot creepier than I thought it would,” I said.

Speaking of the present, day one corresponded with “a partridge in a pear tree”—I got them “The Partridge Family Christmas Album” and a spiced pear-scented candle. I wrapped it and included a note that said we wanted to remain anonymous, but we knew they were going through a difficult time and we wanted them to know somebody was thinking of them.

“Let’s do this,” she whispered. “I’m pulling up. I see a Christmas tree in their front window. That’s cute.” There was a pause. “Okay. I’m putting you in my pocket.”

I listened closely, clutching the phone like it was my firstborn child, but all I could hear were muffled footsteps crackling in the snow. And then suddenly I heard a crash, an honest-to God earth-shattering SHRIEK, a deep voice saying, “What the hell?” and finally footsteps picking up speed while Keira sprinted and said, “Run run run run RUUUN!”

“What’s happening?” I demanded, terrified. I watch a lot of crime shows, and in the heat of the moment I began picturing all manner of horrible things. Shotguns going off, rabid hounds being released… the list goes on. But then—

“I tripped on a gnome,” Keira admitted when she came back on.

“You—what?”

“Yeah. Then I screamed. And I was afraid I would attract attention, so I bolted.”

“Who said ‘what the hell’?”

“What? Oh. Me.”

“You sounded like a dude.”

“You know better than anyone that my surprised voice is weirdly masculine! Remember Allison’s surprise party?” I heard tires burning rubber. “But hey, good news! Day one was a SUCCESS!”

And so it was. Days two and three followed suit; day two was a box of Chocolate Turtles and some Dove products, and day three was a box of fancy French soaps. I'm home for the holidays as of today, and to be completely honest, I'm just shocked nobody has caught us yet. But now I'm joining the action, so I can say with certainty that somebody is going to trip and get a face full of snow, and it's not going to be Keira.

We think this is just about the cutest, stealthiest Christmas project ever. We're also desperately afraid that Elodie is going to trip over a gnome and lose an eye. But it will be worth it, right?

Related post: Operation Christmas!