How to Give an Evil Psycho-Cat a Bath

By Contributor

December 16, 2011

sumsparkler tackles the ultimate challenge: washing an angry cat. Good luck!–Sparkitors

Apparently, most households in America have a pet cat. The owners of these cats often take very good care of their pets, except for that weirdo who lives down the street from you and sacrifices a cat to the lawn gnomes every Tuesday.

Unfortunately, if your friends go on vacation and can't take Fluffy (who you secretly call Fatty) with them, then you're going to get stuck with the animal for the weekend. And at some point, lil' ol Fluffy will need a bath. Now, I understand that you're somewhat doubtful about this (mainly because Fluffy attacked your face the last twelve times you saw her), but don't panic! A mentor with experience giving vicious cats baths is here to show you how.

First off, do not, do not, do not EVER say the word "bath" near a cat. Ever. Cats have a 6th sense for danger, and baths are about as scary as it gets for them. They will run away, and you will not find them. This is odd, considering that they will ignore everything else you say.
Round up all the supplies you need for the bath BEFORE you need them; nothing is more infuriating than trying to subdue a flailing, demon-possessed cat and not being able to find the flea soap. Here is a short supply list of what you will need: a giant box of band-aids (for you), some sort of special animal soap, duct tape, and a sandwich (this is going to take a while, and you'll get hungry). Also, fill up the tub BEFORE you fetch the cat.
Find the cat. You can do this by moaning and complaining about how much you hate the cat, and never want to see it again. This will cause it to leap up and down with joy, because in Cat that means "I FREAKIN' ADORE THAT CAT AND I HOPE IT RUNS OVER TO ME SHEDS ON MY NEW BLACK SKINNY JEANS!!!" The cat will dash over and do as you asked it to.
Detach the cat from your face and carry it to the bathroom. This is where the cat starts to get nervous, because for some reason they get freaked out when they notice you're not cursing or throwing something at them, which is unusual. Then they will notice the water in the tub, and start panicking. Try to distract Fluffy with your sandwich to buy some time.
Don't trust the cat! At this point the cat has figured out what is going on. It will either trick you into letting it go, or make this face at you. RESIST THE FACE!!!!!!!!!!! RESIST IT!!!!!
Win the war. At this point, it's all-out war. Fluffy will claw, scratch, bite, and roar her little heart out until you either go berserk and run away screaming,laugh nervously and start eating your socks, or force the little monster into the tub. You must prevail.
Quit while you're ahead. After the war you will both be soaked to the bone. That *technically* qualifies as a bath, so cut your losses, break out the band-aids, and go take a shower to wash all the fur off of you!