Chapter Ten: Luna Lovegood
Better Title: Yay!
Luna Lovegood is the best character in the world of Harry Potter. She is everything that Bella Swan isn't. She is the Un-Bella. The fact that Harry doesn't marry the hell out of her is proof that life isn't fair.
If I'm lucky enough to have a daughter, I would want her to be just like Luna Lovegood. If I have a son, I want him to be like Batman…and if he lets me down I will disown him! HE MUST BE BATMAN!
In fact, my daughter better be like Batman too. A Batman/Luna hybrid. She will be a crime-solving vigilante with a whimsical mind and a creative spirit. Luna Batwoman. That's her name. Luna Batwoman Robocop Bergstein.
And she should also be a drummer, because it would be cool to say, "My daughter plays the drums." And she'd better not date losers who wear thumb rings.
We finally meet Luna Lovegood on the Hogwarts Express. As prefects, Ron and Hermione must patrol the train, leaving Harry and Ginny to find their own seats. Ginny spots open seats in Luna's cabin, and thus Luna is on her way to becoming the secret best member of Shark Force Omega.
The movies have muddled my mind a bit, but I think from now until the end of the series, Luna will have a rather substantial role in the story. Sorry, Dean Thomas, but your boring, forgettable character is no match for the quirks of Lovegood.
Luna is an oddball. She doesn't have many friends because she's such a wonderful weirdo. Even trying to make small talk with the hippy wizard is rough, but Harry and Ginny try to be polite.
When Ron and Hermione eventually show up, and Ron does a silly impression of Goyle, Luna cackles loud and long, as if she'd never heard a joke before. I admit that there's a 50% chance Luna will end up as a crazy cat woman who lives in a cabin in the woods and makes hair dolls. But there's a 50% chance she will end up as the world's greatest poet/sculptor/musician/kite maker/pilot/warrior.
J.K. Rowling may have revealed how Luna's life turns out, but I choose not to listen. She's just placating the fans when she says, "Oh yeah, Harry's son becomes president of the moon and Neville's granddaughter marries Peeves." If it ain't in the books, it ain't real.
Harry notices Luna's magazine, The Quibbler, and takes a closer look. While the Daily Prophet is spending its resources discrediting Harry and Dumbledore, The Quibbler is reporting on possible corruption in the Ministry…along with silly tabloid stories.
Hermione criticizes the tabloid until Luna reveals that her dad is the editor. Way to go, Hermy. Rude.
The train arrives at the Hogwarts station and everyone hops into the carriages. Harry is shocked to see the skinless horses pulling the carriages, but we learn more about that later. And yes, I'm aware of mistake in the book that I will discuss when the time comes.
Favorite Part of the Chapter: All of it.
Deleted Scene
CHO CHANG: Hi Harry.
HARRY: Hello. [blushes]
CHO: How was your summer?
HARRY: It was OK. How was yours?
CHO: I breathed air and this one day I looked at a rock.
HARRY: My, my my. Aren't you saucy!
LUNA: I spent my summer exploring the boundaries of reality. I woke up bright and early every day and yelled to the ceiling, "Limits be damned!" I saw things that would make you cry with curiosity and I laughed in the face of reason. I met my future self and whispered, "Well done, ma'am. Well done." I lived a thousand lives this summer.
HARRY: Huh? Whatever. Hey, Cho! Tell me more about that rock you saw!
CHO: Well, it was gray and kind of small...
HARRY: Go on, my adventurous little sex kitten. Go on.
Chapter Eleven: The Sorting Hat's New Song
Better Title: If It Rhymes, It Must Be Important
The welcoming feast begins with Harry noticing Hagrid's absence. Professor Grubbly-Plank has taken over as Care of Magical Creatures teacher. The other staff addition is more dire: Dolores Umbridge is the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. [Cue thunderclap]
Much of the chapter deals with the Sorting Hat's introductory song. Each year the hat sings a new song explaining how and why the new students must be sorted. But this year's tune is much more solemn.
The hat tells the students that pride and intolerance nearly ruined Hogwarts when Old Man Slytherin refused to teach Mudbloods and Mr. Gryffindor chose to only accept students who were brave. These two wizards couldn't get along and so they fought all the time.
The Ravenclaw/Hufflepuff rivalry is much less interesting, because Ravenclaws are just nerds and Hufflepuffs are the kids who always look out the window hopefully if you say, "It's snowing!"—even in June. I mean that in the nicest way possible. I would love to be Ravenclaw and I'm sure Hufflepuffs would be loyal friends and excellent trick-or-treaters.
The hat finishes the song by warning the students to unite against evil.
After the hat sorts and everyone eats, Dumbledore makes a short speech but is interrupted by the sticky sweet Umbridge, who has a few words to say. Everyone tunes out her boring recitation of the rules and expectations. Only Hermione pays attention and tells her friends later that Umbridge is obviously a liaison between Hogwarts and the Ministry of Magic. She's an over-cover spy!
Later that night, Seamus and Harry have a spat when Seamus says his mom believes what the Daily Prophet writes and thinks Harry is a troublemaker and Dumbledore is a liar.
Favorite Part of the Chapter: Ron using his prefect power to defend Harry against Seamus.
Deleted Scene
Back in Dumbledore's office…
GOBLET OF FIRE: Nice song, Hat.
SORTING HAT: Thanks, Gobby.
GOBLET OF FIRE: But wouldn't it have been easier if you just said, "Voldemort is back and the Ministry is lying. We must all stand up for truth!" In times like this, what's the point of being coy?
SORTING HAT: I suppose you're right, old friend. Although the Ministry would sew my mouth shut. Methinks that…uh-oh. Fawkes is awake.
FAWKES: Wassup, haters! Why you always crying and being sad and junk? I be all like, "Kiss my ass, Voldemort!" And then I, like, drop some magic eggs or whatever and then KA-BOOM! He be dead! After I kill Voldy, I'm gonna be drowning in dollar-dollar victory bills.
GOBLET OF FIRE: Yes, yes. Very good, Fawkes. We can't wait for you to be drowning in money.
FAWKES: And everyone be sayin, "Fawkes you so fly! I wanna have your baby!" And I be like, "Girl! Did you paint them jeans on this morning! Because my middle name is turpentine!" And then I'm gonna have my own club! And it's gonna be off the anchor! Gonna have DJs and this adults-only ball pit with clear balls! And the third floor is going be a giant pillow room just for me and my chickies!
SORTING HAT: I really hate spending eternity with you. I wish you'd leave.
FAWKES: Aww, bro. You don't need to say goodbye, because the Phoenix can't ever die! Gonna call my club "The Love Nest" and at midnight, we play nothin' but techno remixes of Pink Floyd, y'all! [begins singing] "Mother do you think they'll drop the bomb-bomb-omb-bomb-bomb-bomb…" [Closes his eyes and starts dancing to the music in his head]
Chapter Twelve: Professor Umbridge
Better Title: Professor Dumb-B****
Oh, how I hate Umbridge. I can think of no literary villain in recent memory that angered my blood as much as Dolores Umbridge. The movie version didn't do the character justice. Book Umbridge is far more wicked than Movie Umbridge. So, if you're like my (silly) cousin who says she's a Potter fan but hasn't read the books, do yourself a favor and read the books to see what true wickedness is.
Why do I hate Umbridge? I'm not quite sure.
As near as I can tell, Umbridge isn't working for Voldemort directly. Her goal isn't to kill children or assassinate Muggles. Voldemort and Bellatrix are far more violent and aggressive. And yet there's something about Umbridge's smug little voice, uptight personality, and unwillingness to listen to reason that make me want to name a Snowwoman "Dolores Umbridge" and then watch it slowly die in the sunlight.
Before we get to the first of many evil scenes of Umbridge's wretchedness, Harry and his friends talk about O.W.L.s and how the fifth year is the most academically critical year for wizards. The O.W.L.s are like the SATs, and will help determine a wizard's career path.
I've been listening to the audio version of the book. When I read the book, I always say "O.W.L.s" as "Owls," but the narrator spells out the word, which makes more sense, as we don't call them the "Sats." I was also surprised by some of the pronunciations. For instance, "knut" is pronounced "kah-noot," "Accio" is pronounced "Ack-ee-oh," and the B in "climb" is silent. Who kah-new?
Harry, Ron, and Hermione endure their first class with Umbridge. It's a sin to try and describe the scene, as my writing ability will fail to impress upon you the gut-crushing behavior of Umbridge.
She's a by-the-book kind of teacher, and refuses to teach the students anything practical.
Grrr!
The entire class nearly revolts, and Harry becomes enraged when Umbridge calls him a liar. She gives Harry a week's worth of detention and sends him to McGonagall.
But when McGonagall sees that Harry was kicked out of class for talking back to Umbridge, she offers Harry a cookie. McGonagall is cool like that.
Favorite Part of the Chapter: Hermione's battle of logic with Umbridge.
Deleted Scene
GUIDANCE COUNSELOR: It's my job to help you find your future! Now, tell me a little about yourself.
WIZARD BOY: Well, I'm really interested in the human body.
GUIDANCE COUNSELOR: Excellent. You should sell cauldrons in Diagon Alley!
WIZARD BOY: Um…I mean I'm interested in biology and anatomy. Maybe I could be a doctor?
GUIDANCE COUNSELOR: You'd make an excellent Quidditch player!
WIZARD BOY: I said "doctor."
GUIDANCE COUNSELOR: Hmm…doctor. Doctor? Doctor? Is that some sort of wizard hair stylist?
WIZARD BOY: No. I want to help sick people.
GUIDANCE COUNSELOR: Oh. Like those people at St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries?
WIZARD BOY: Not really. Those aren't real doctors. They're just wizards who say spells. I want to be a real doctor. I want to help all people. Not just wizards. Like, maybe I could use my powers to help sick children.
GUIDANCE COUNSELOR: Hmm…[looks at paper work] No. Sorry. There are no classes for that. Students at Hogwarts can only work with other wizards and do wizard jobs. None of this helping the sick nonsense. Plus, we don't believe in science. So…cauldron seller?
WIZARD BOY: Oh. OK. [slowly removes homemade stethoscope] Whatever you say…
House Bergstein School Announcements
The annual Secret Santa party is next week. Everyone put your name in the Goblet of Turtles. We each pick a name and buy a gift for that person. Fun! However, we must establish some ground rules.
1. Presents cannot be more than $5,000.
2. For allergy reasons, no peanuts, rabid animals, wheat, mold, base metals, or shellfish.
3. Nothing too round.
4. Present must be considered good by at least three people at the party, or else the recipient gets a do-over.
5. It can bounce.
6. I don't like wicker furniture.
7. Please wrap your present in aluminum foil to prevent another psychic incident. (And stop being such jerks, psychic students!)
8. If all you're giving is a gift card, you better include a funny poem and sassy card, slacker.
9. House Bergstein frowns upon giving dragon or leprechaun eggs as gifts.
10. No one wants the basket of vanilla hand lotion and body wash.
Homework Assignment:
Still no homework due to final exams. But you should be preparing for beginning exams.
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