Auntie SparkNotes: Atheist Infiltrator

Dear Auntie,

Let me start off blunt: I'm an Atheist. I always have been, and always will be. My family used to be pretty religious, but I just never really bought in to the things I heard in Church. I figured this out when I was about twelve, and asked my parents if I could stop going, and eventually, the rest of the family did too.

Now, as a seventeen year old, most of my friends don't know anything about my religious beliefs other than the fact that my family just doesn't go to Church. Being well-meaning Christians, each of my friends has insisted that I go to Church with them at least once before. So, I would humor them and tag along to their youth groups... only to be made uncomfortable by attempted conversions at the threat of condemnation.

But recently, I went to one of my friend's church youth groups, and I really liked it. I loved the people; they were kind, accepting, and didn't make a single reference to Hell. I've been to four youth group gatherings, a couple of group lunches, and I am thinking about going on the next retreat with the group. But, like I said, I'm an Atheist. I don't believe the things they are putting in to practice, but I really, really, REALLY love this group of people, the sense of unity at the youth events, and how comfortable they make me feel. Would it be wrong to keep along with this youth group not because of my love for God, but my love for this particular group of people?

But Sparkler, don't you realize that you're playing right into their hands? Your youth group's soft, approachable, non-hellfire-mentioning tactics aren't real! They're just meant to lull you into a false sense of security, leading you to go off on their group retreat unawares... at which point they will bring you into the woods, tie you to a tree, and beat you severely about the head and face with a giant, Jesus-shaped rubber mallet known as the Hammer of Heathen Salvation!!!

...JUST KIDDING. (I just like to see you guys get all puffed up and red in the face.)

That said, Sparkler, this is a tricky line to walk. On one hand, out of all the religious groups in the world, this one—which accepts your presence without trying to convert you—is more likely than any to be okay with an atheist in their midst. And given how well you seem to fit in, I wonder if your lack of belief in a god (or gods) might actually be the only thing you don't have in common with this group—if, perhaps, your self-established moral center is right in line with the teachings and values of this particular church.

On the other hand, it does strike me as not-quite-kosher for you to attend a group's meetings and activities in full knowledge that your presence there is taken as evidence of a belief that you don't actually hold. (Kind of like those guys who don't particularly care about women's rights, but go to Take Back the Night rallies because it's a good place to meet girls. Sure, they're not hurting anyone by being there... but at the same time, it's just kind of skeevy.)

But on the other hand—because this is my column, and I'll grow three hands if I want to!—I think it comes down to this: if you're pretty sure that the people in this group would be upset to realize that you love their company but don't share their beliefs, then you probably shouldn't be there.

And unfortunately, this is where I have to pass this problem back to you. Because alas, I don't know how religion-based this group is in purpose and practice—whether it's really and truly a Church Youth Group: Faith Required, or whether, when you come right down to it, this is just a group for teenagers that happens to meet in a church. But hey, instead of continuing to worry and wonder whether you're doing something wrong, why don't you take advantage of your affiliation with this group... and talk to the person who runs it? After all, faith-based conflicts are what church leaders are there for—and despite your firm status as a non-believer, a faith-based conflict is exactly what this is. And all you have to do is tell him or her what you told me—that you love the community, but you don't share their faith, and you don't know whether it's right to keep participating.

If nothing else, you'll feel better for having been honest. And if you do come to feel that you shouldn't be part of the group, there's nothing to stop you from continuing to have a relationship with the people in it. But more likely than not, it won't matter—because at the end of the day, church is as much about a community of people with shared values as it is about God.

(Also, psssst: if you find yourself yearning for that sense of belonging, you can always join the youth group at your local Unitarian Universalist church, where atheists and agnostics are embraced right along with everyone else.)

Alright, churchgoers, you tell us: would you be okay with an avowed atheist at your youth group? Or are the godless strictly forbidden? Weigh in! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.

Related post: Life as an Atheist