Tom Riddle's Diary!

Scott-Free’s Dating Tip of the Week: Ideas for date night:

Reading ‘A Walk to Remember’ aloud? GOOD!

Playing Lord of the Rings Risk while wearing Gandalf’s beard? Bad. Very bad.

Rule #27: Do The Rules, Even when Your Friends and Parents Think It’s Nuts.

So what they’re saying is, “Don’t listen to the people you trust, who care about your health and well being. Listen to us, two strangers who hold no credentials in the psychological realm, even when everyone who has always been there for you is telling you the opposite.” Now go back and read that aloud in Gollum’s voice, and you will have reenacted the nightmare I had Thursday.

“Remember your reaction when you first heard about The Rules or read this book? No doubt you thought the idea was crazy, dishonest, or extreme.”

If I were a woman, and E-Fein and Shusher were women (and not transgender Martians, as I suspect they are), and instead of writing this book they had started a clinic, and I, as a woman, went to the clinic, and it was my 27^th session with them, and they were saying to me, as a woman, the exact same things they say in this chapter, it would go something like this (just imagine that the female version of me looks like Tina Fey).

Dr. Fein: Remember your reaction when you first heard about The Rules or read this book? No doubt you thought the idea was crazy, dishonest, or extreme.

Scottina Free: Or all three?

Dr. Fein: Yes, or all three. You might have—

Scottina Free: What about ludicrous? Is it possible I may have thought the idea was ludicrous?

Dr. Fein: Yes, it’s possible you may have thought the idea was ludicrous. In fact—

Scottina Free: Could I have thought of it as the insanity-fueled love-child of two women with unresolved abandonment issues and a train of baggage so large it took JetBlue five flights to get it all into America, whereas the rest had to be smuggled illegally across the Canadian border by an Iranian who happened to be a kind, loving man who never would have done wrong by either one of them, but whom they would never consider romantically because he drove a semi and not a Porsche? Is that possible?

Dr. Fein: Well, I don’t know about that. I mean—

Scottina Free: Oh, tish tosh, dear. Not like I believe any of that now.

“Well, don’t be surprised if the people around you don’t support your new philosophy. Don’t be surprised if they think you’re nuts or question every move you make or don’t make. When a man you’re dating calls and leaves a message with your mother, don’t be surprised if she hovers over you like a bee nagging you to call back right away. Rather than say, 'I can’t call him back. I’m doing The Rules,' just say, 'Okay, Mom, later, after I wash my hair.' Keep postponing any Rule-breaking activity.”

The next part bothers me more than a little bit (on the Botherment Scale, I would put it above “squirrel bites” and slightly below “inky octopus bites”). It says that the biggest danger will be your girlfriends, telling you The Rules is anti-feminist, and saying you need some analysis into why you want to get married so badly. This book even goes so far as to say that you should find “like-minded” women who also follow the rules—or something like them. So, basically, it’s this book or your friends.

Do you know what I have concluded? This book is in the same family as Tom Riddle’s diary in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Think about it!

Tom Riddle’s diary

-Made Ginny Weasley turn away from her friends.

-Made her spend all her time doing what the book told her to.

-Eventually used her life force to make a memory of Lord Voldemort to come alive.

The Rules

-Wants you to turn away from your friends.

-Wants you to spend all your time doing what it tells you to

-Eventually will use your life force to make a memory of Osama bin Laden come alive. (It’s true! The Order of the Seal is our only chance!)

“If you can’t find any like-minded women to support you in doing The Rules, just read this book a lot, carry it around in your purse to refer to on long supermarket lines, and practice what you read as much as possible.”

See what I mean?

Verdict on Rule #27: Do The Rules, Even when Your Friends and Parents Think It’s Nuts: Neh.

Yehs: 5

Hmaybes: 4

Nehs: 11

(Christmas in Costnia)

Scott Free: Okay Right, this could be our most important mission so far. It’s less than two weeks till Christmas and I haven’t gotten so much as a tasteful scarf for my sister. Here’s our plan: first we hit up Macy’s, then Wal-Mart, then a couple of jewelry stores. Have you got the C4?

Right: Affirmative.

Scott Free: And that Kmart gift card your mom got you two years ago?

Right: Sir.

Scott Free: How about our list of snappy things to say as we walk out of the store and pull the detonation cord?

Right: ‘I don’t know if there’ll be snow, but have a cup of WHOOPASS!’

Do you think The Rules are anti-feminist?

Related posts: Blogging The Rules

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