Maybe Vegetarians Really Know Their Stuff

HolyCereal is one hilarious carnivore.—Sparkitors

Before I begin, I’d like to mention that I'm not a vegetarian; in fact, I’d faint if someone told me I could never eat a burger again. But in the middle of chowing down on some brisket last night, I inconveniently realized that vegetarians just might be onto something. And here are my reasons why.

We Probably Make the Dead Cows Self-Conscious
If I was a cow-ghost and I looked down from beyond the grave at a family eating my roasted carcass, I would groan in embarrassment as the family picked in disgust at my fat.

I dare you to find a piece of meat that isn’t plagued by the substance. Go on. You have five seconds. I’ll wait.
See!! It doesn’t exist. And it’s not like fat is necessarily a bad thing for any creature, as long as there isn’t too much of it. It’s just that when you’re staring at something you’re about to eat, the white, greasy, squishy stuff does not look appetizing. This is mainly the reason I had second thoughts about my delicious brisket. Half of it was composed of meat and the other half made me want to gag.

Plus, the dead animal is just sitting on your dining room table, completely naked and exposed. At least give him sweatpants or a baggy t-shirt or a stylish cape to hide his fat. I mean, it's like if someone yanked open your shower curtain in the middle of a bath and invited his wife and kids to come stare at you and then cook, stuff, and eat you like the turkey he might think you are.

It also saddens me to think of what the cow I just ate might have had going for him while he was alive. Maybe he was working on his GED. Maybe he was just about to get the courage to talk to the lady-cow in Starbucks. Maybe he’d just figured out how to scratch his own back. It's tragic, right?

The Animals Don’t Have Cool Enough Deaths to Justify Eating Them
I try not to think of it when gorging myself on chicken or pork, but…we’re eating a dead body. There. I said it. I'm usually too busy enjoying my meal to focus on that fact, but once or twice (like last night) it creeps into my brain, I start feeling guilty and sad, and then I’m unable to eat.

The majority of animals raised to be slaughtered live in cruddy, messy conditions, usually in factory farms, and are fed a lot of food that isn’t good for them. They live in crowded quarters and are led to their deaths when they are plump enough.

I think, “Wow, what a crummy death.” And then I imagine a more epic death.

The wind howled on outside the bunker.

They couldn’t stay all night. Bessie was getting cold and her calf was trembling among thin blankets that did nothing to combat the chill.

Bessie heard voices ahead. They were still looking for them. It had been twelve hours since their escape from the wretched factory farm from whence they came. There had been a huge uprising of animals the day before, and Bessie shuddered as she remembered her dear friend Miss Piggy, who had died in the action. Bessie quickly woke her child, Lil’ Bessie, up.

“You must listen,” she whispered. The calf nodded. “I may not always be with you. But you need to save yourself. In the morning, go to Texas. I’ve included the map in your Dora the Explorer-Cow backpack. Find your Uncle Tito on Burridge Farm. Stay with him there. I love you very much, child.”

Bessie gazed at her flesh and blood for a moment longer then turned to leave.

“Mommy, where are you going?” the calf whimpered.

Bessie slowly turned back.

“Mommy needs to take care of business, Lil’ Bessie.”

Then she would surrender herself and have an epic face-off with the big-time corporation man in charge of the factory farm, before being heroically killed by something cool, like throwing stars, or a warhammer. Or a star-throwing-warhammer. Oh, and she would use her hooves to toss a grenade at the evil dudes before she died, thereby saving loads of innocent animals from slaughter. And of course Lil’ Bessie would find her Uncle Tito and lead a happy life, suffering little to no psychological damage.

And then I continue my meal with a warm smile, knowing that I consume the great heroine, Bessie the Cow.

WOW. Are you a vegetarian after reading this post? Or do you love eatin' meat just at much as ever?

Related post: How to Be an Awesome Vegetarian