How to Procrastinate Properly on the Paper that's Due Tomorrow

bookweirm has procrastination down to a ten-step science. –Sparkitors

You probably don't think you need help procrastinating on the giant paper you haven't started yet that's due tomorrow. I object! You're already in danger of panicking and actually getting some work done, and I'm not going to let that happen. Here's how to procrastinate like a champ:

1. Check SparkLife for new posts. Do this about 10 times per hour. If Dan Bergstein hasn’t posted a new video and Auntie Sparknotes hasn’t added a new advice column, comfort yourself by reading everything else they’ve ever written.

2. Check your email. If nobody’s written to you, write to yourself! Then reread all the emails you sent yourself on other nights when you had to sit around “doing homework,” aka writing yourself ridiculous letters. And remember to reply, as it’s important to stay in contact with your inner self. Or hit “reply all” if you’re trying to cultivate your multiple personality disorder.

3. Talk to Cleverbot. Wonder if this is an actual intelligent robot or a person pretending to be one. That rascally Cleverbot, he’s trying to trick you!

4. Freak yourself out by staring into the mirror for 5 straight minutes, until you no longer recognize your own face. Try to scare the person in the mirror. AAAGH!!! She blinked. Slowly back out of the bathroom. Make sure you stay one step ahead of your shadow.

5. Put on some awesome Arabic music and try to belly dance. Fail. Put on some sad Arabic music and wail in sorrow at the words you wish you could understand.

6. Google yourself. It’s the international pastime! Google your family members. Google your friends. Start bookmarking the random blogs of people who have the same name as you.

7. Watch random clips of Harry Potter puppets. When that gets old (?), watch trailers for movies you wish you had time to see but can’t because of all the homework you’ve got.

8. Open your day planner and start making a list of things you’ve got to do. Erase the list and rewrite it in hopes of some tasks disappearing. Bang your head on your desk as you realize you’ve got so much freaking work to do.

9. Now you’re ready to start writing your 10-page history essay. It can’t be THAT hard. All you’ve got to do is reference 5 books. @!($*#!*%!!! Is the library open at 3 in the morning? Fall asleep while typing up the article you got an idea for while trolling the comments on SparkLife. Jnnn;knnzjlkhjhip[hjzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

10. Wake up in the morning, swear you’re never going to do that again. Repeat steps 1 through 10 the following night.

How do you procrastinate?

Related post: The Five Stages of Procrastination

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