How to Prepare for the Zombie Apocalypse

We were just getting worried about the Zombie Apocalypse when Sassyhorselover1 came in and saved the day!—Sparkitors

Since we all survived the "apocalypse" of May 21, 2011, and I am disinclined to believe that we will all die in 2012 (that’s too mainstream for me), the only possibility left (naturally) is a Zombie Apocalypse. Now that I've brought it up, you may be worried. “When will it happen?” “How will we go?” “Who will take care of my iguana, Chombo, when I’m gone?” Questions like these plague pet owners and Apocalyptiphobes alike.

But don’t be scared! Unless you’re a cannibal worrying about the annihilation of your food source, this article should put you at ease (somewhat...). The only way to survive the impending Z.A. is to be prepared for whatever the zombies may throw at us. Unfortunately there has not been a Z.A. in recorded history, so we must base our preparations upon superstition.

1. Invest in protective headgear, specifically ASTM approved. If you are caught unprepared, a metal bowl secured atop your head by a bungee cord or duct tape is also acceptable, but not preferable. Headgear may temporarily keep the zombies from eating your brains, and can help improve the possibilities of your escape.

2. Start eating green bell peppers every day. The zeaxanthin in peppers is said to change the flavor of your brain and flesh to something less appetizing to the undead. Some people have taken to growing their own peppers for better and cheaper access.

3. Make a strategic plan for escape. It should include how to get out of the house, where to meet up with your loved ones, and a sticky note reminding you not to forget your head gear and bag of green bell peppers.

4. Pack go-bags and insist that your parents do so as well. The bags should include the following: a change of clothes, a battery powered radio, a flashlight, batteries, a box of ziplock bags, important papers (ID’s, birth certificates, insurance papers etc.), rain coats, water, headgear, bell peppers, and clean socks.

5. Set your pet free. Chombo the Iguana has a better chance of surviving in the wild than he has with you and your delicious-smelling brain.

6. Gather weapons! "In the event of a horde of zombies rushing towards your person, a sharp, long melee weapon is of the optimal choice. After severing several undead heads, a grenade might be enough to take out the rest. If you don't think that you could handle them on your own, that is. In any case, having a member who uses at least one melee weapon is a valuable addition to your zombie apocalypse team. Think of it this way...they'll never run out of ammo." ~ Dr. Josiah W. Lindsay, Melee Weapon Specialist.

Remember: ALWAYS BE PREPARED. Specialists are predicting that the cannibals and the zombies will feud over their food source (us), so my strategy is to take cover and wait for them to kill each other.

What do you plan to do in case of a Zombie Apocalypse?

Related Post: the Final Rule of Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

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