Auntie SparkNotes: Birth Mama Drama

Hey Auntie,

Ever since I can remember, I have known I was adopted. Throughout my childhood it didn't bother me at all, but now that I'm getting older I've been thinking about it more and more.

I informed my parents two weeks ago that I wanted to know my birth grandparents because they were the ones that actually wanted to keep me and help raise me. After a long talk with tears, my parents just asked me to be patient, and a few days later my parents told me everything. Mom showed me pictures of when I was born at the hospital and legal papers and my birth certificate. I even know who my birth grandparents are: I grew up calling them "aunt" and "uncle." And because my parents wouldn't let my birth mom come and go with me as she pleased, she pretty much went crazy and atheist. Her parents nor mine talk to her anymore.

Here is what has been going through my head; I know that just because you come out of someone's body doesn't make them your parent. It's the people that raised you. So why do I feel like this? I look back at those pictures my mom showed me and my birth mom and birth father seemed so happy and excited. I know my parents begged my birth parents to keep me, but they just gave me away. Why?

I don't want to ask my birth mom because I feel like if I involve her in my life right now, that will bring much pain to me, my parents and my birth grandparents. I find myself thinking throughout the day, I look like her. I remember her. She had the support she needed to raise me, but she just gave me up. ITS SO CONFUSING. My mom told me that my birth mom explained to her at one point that she got with my birth father to see if she could have a one night stand. (Ummmm slut much?) Knowledge brings pain, but my question is, how do I deal with that pain? I don't want my parents regretting what they told me, when they did. It really took a huge weight off of everyone's shoulders, but so many more things have come up in my head and I can't seem to deal with it. Is it normal to feel alone?

Oh Sparkler, I'm so sorry. And of course it's normal that you're confused, alone, and completely freaked out. You've just had a pile of life-changing information dumped in your lap, and in a highly emotional way. That would rock anyone's world.

And while there's a limit to what I can tell you—while I don't know the circumstances of your adoption, why your birth parents gave you up, or how your mom came to be estranged from her family—there's one thing I do know, and that you should keep in mind when you start to feel overwhelmed: there's another side to this story.

And if I had to guess, I'd say that it's one you'll eventually find it helpful to hear.

Because while it's possible that your birth mother simply went crazy and disappeared from your life without a second thought, it's probably a little more complicated than that—especially considering that right now, your only account of who she was comes from people who no longer speak to her. And while it might be just as cut-and-dried as everyone says, it's also possible that it... well, wasn't. For instance: maybe she had the means to raise you, but only at the cost of her future, her education, and her independence. Maybe her family's support was contingent upon living her life (and parenting you) in a way she wasn't able or willing to. Maybe, faced with a terrible choice, she picked what seemed like the lesser evil (leaving you, in the care of a loving family) over the greater (keeping you, knowing that she could never give you the life and the opportunities you deserved.)

Do I know any of this for sure? No, of course not. But I can't help noticing that everything your family has told you about your birth mother portrays her not in the way that most adoptive families portray a child's birth mom—namely, as a person who gave up her child, out of love, in order to give him or her a better life—but as a crazy, slutty, unloving woman who abandoned you for no reason other than her own selfishness. And while that's probably the simplest explanation from their point of view, it's also one that's incredibly hurtful and unhelpful to you.

Don't get me wrong: this doesn't mean that your parents aren't wonderful people. In fact, I'm sure that they are. They deserve mounds of credit for raising you well, for being loving and supportive, and for handling a difficult situation to the best of their abilities. And they're there for you now—so consider what they've told you, ask questions if you want to, and don't be afraid to tell them how difficult this news was to deal with. That's what family is for.

But as much as your parents are wonderful people, they're also still people—with their own prejudices, their own weaknesses, and their own, non-objective feelings to deal with. And that's why, while you work through this, please do yourself the following favors:

Keep an open mind. Leave some room in your heart for another point of view. And when you find yourself feeling confused, try to allow for the possibility that your birth mother loved you and wanted you to be happy—and that she gave you up for exactly that reason.

One day, when you're ready, you may even get to hear it from her.

Are you adopted? What did your family tell you about your birth parents? Share your stories in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.

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