Auntie SparkNotes: Dump, Dump, Dump

Dear Auntie,

I'm in a relationship with a guy that I've been dating for about 9 months now, and things were going great. In fact, they kind of still are, but I don't feel anything anymore. He's a great guy, very sweet, loving, funny, cute, smart, the whole package. Girls would KILL to have him. So you're probably thinking, "What advice could you possibly need?! it looks like things are going quite spiffy for you!"

But even though he's a great guy, I kind of want to take a break. Don't get me wrong, I do love him, but I want to feel the happiness of being independent, as my mother has taught me to be. Most girls I know say "Oh how I wish a guy would just sweep me off of my feet and take me to a romantic get-away so we could spend the rest of our lives together in blissful harmony!" (Okay, maybe not EXACTLY like that, but you know what I mean), but I just want to be single!

I've tried breaking up with him before, but every time I try, he threatens to kill himself. I have WAY too big of a heart to hurt him like that. I've even tried to get HIM to break up with ME, but the next day it's always "I'm sorry for everything, take me back?", and of course, I feel pressured and I do. How do I get him to go away?

OWWWWWWWW.
Oh, sorry, Sparkler—I'll answer your question, promise, but first I need to figure out how I suddenly developed a giant, painful bruise on my whole entire face. Hmm, let's see... I was reading your letter like this:

And then I was reading your letter like this:

And then I got to the third paragraph and...

...Oh.

Well, that explains that!

And let's be real, here: while it's true that many girls would, indeed, love to be swept off their feet by a cute, smart, funny, loving, and all-around fabulous dude, the vast majority of those same girls would take a pass when they go to the part where he responds to breakups by threatening to off himself. Because no matter how many good qualities a guy has, they can't outweigh the raging dependency that makes him willing to emotionally blackmail and manipulate you into staying with him.

Which means that even if you didn't have a compelling reason to break up (which you do) or weren't sure what you wanted (which you are), the initial appearance of the "If you dump me, I'll kill myself" card should still have sent you screaming out the door (and to the nearest phone, since his parents should know that their son is potentially in need of help.).

So, how do you make the split, and make it stick? Well, for starters, you can stop trying to passive-aggressively end your relationship by getting him to dump you —which is not only an odious practice that no decent person should engage in, ever, but also possibly the least effective breakup tactic in the world. Really, stop that. It's not going to work. And then, you're going to follow this highly scientific step-by-step program for ending a romantic relationship:

1) Dump him.
2) Just kidding, there is no step 2. You just dump him—unequivocally, finally, and without further discussion—and then distance yourself to a point where you're no longer available to be begged with.

Is this going to be really, painfully, horrifically hard? Yes, yes, yes. You know from experience that he'll cry, he'll beg, he'll threaten, and your heart (which, in cases like this, is the most unhelpful of organs) will shriek at you to stop it, you're hurting him! And that's why, in this case, you are not just allowed but encouraged to make the break via a phone call or email, where you can end the conversation quickly and avoid getting sucked back in by his heartbroken wailing. (And for the record, in situations like this one, the importance of getting the breakup to stick takes precedence over the "Never dump by phone/email" rule.)

And if you feel yourself start to waffle, and this is really important, please remember that you will hurt this guy more by staying in the relationship out of pity—or worse, by jerking him around with more break-up/make-up drama—than you ever could by just ending it. And just as you deserve to be free from a romance you no longer want, he deserves love with someone who wants him.

Which, hopefully, he'll do sometime after he's sought therapy for his serious, serious dependency issues.
(And yes, if he threatens to harm himself, you'll need to call his folks.)

Have you ever been emotionally blackmailed into staying with an SO? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.

Related post: Auntie SparkNotes: It's Your Duty to Dump