What's Your Patronus?

We know it was a pretty big deal with Harry Potter cast his first Patronus, but these days more and more people are able to tap into this advanced magic. Patroni are everywhere. In fact, they are so everywhere, that sometimes it gets confusing. Like, you're in a crowded room and you see a swan and a honey badger and you're like, which one of you guys is here for me? Well, it's time to get to know your Patronus so that when the time comes to summon it, you can just think about your happy thought and POOF. Start kicking butt with your new animal partner in crime. Here are the questions you must ask yourself to determine your Patronus.

Are you... The Valedictorian, probably? Do other kids' moms say to their kids, "I love you sweetie but I wish you were a bit more like __(your name here)__? Has your beauty captivated artists and humans for centuries? Do you live from 500-1000 years? Is your cry a beautiful song? Do you have the ability to be reborn from your own ashes, thus making you immortal? Maybe you're a little too good to be true, if you know what we mean. You floss three times a day. And everyone tells you all their secrets because you are so awesome. And you are always the MVP for all those sports that you do (and you do all the sports) and OH STOP YOU'RE TOO PERFECT WE HATE YOU.

Well congratulations, your Patronus is: A phoenix, which doesn't actually exist. It's a myth.

Own it: Start spreading rumors about yourself to heighten your own lore. Here's one: Did you hear that the Phoenix can read people's minds?

Are you... A total freaking party animal and a bit mischievous? Are you so ridiculous and silly that other kids' moms say, "Make sure to warn me next time you invite __(your name here)___ over because I'll have to take extra Aspirin"? Maybe you wear really loud clothing that doesn't match, and you don't care. Hey, mister class clown, you cheer everyone up with your crazy antics. Remember that time you bought one of those old people watches that talks and says things like "Did you remember to take your medication?" and "Time to take a nap!" and you had it going off all day during school, througout tests and assemblies? That was so funny, even thought you got into a little bit of trouble. Due to your wackiness, nobody can take you seriously. Oh, and you LOVE butt jokes.

Your Patronus is: A mandrill.

Own It: Get your own television show. You're the next Screech.

Are you... Sitting on the couch right now, laying even? Even though it is a perfectly nice day outside? Maybe you're sitting there because it takes you so long to get to school, you just realized it's not really worth going, because by the time you get there it's time to go home. Then by the time you get home it's time to be back at school again. And this is why you're on the couch. People can hardly even tell you're moving, sometimes. They're like, "Is that a wax sculpure?" But that's silly because why would there be a wax sculpture in here? You definitely get picked last for gym teams. You get picked last for everything teams. With all the physical feats that you are bad at, though, miraculously you are an excellent tree climber. And that comes in handy all the time, right?

Your Patronus is: A sloth.

Own It: Climb to the top of a tree in your yard and when you want to host a party, invite everyone to join you at the top of the tree because, let's be honest, you're not going anywhere.

Are you... Running all over the place in slow motion? Maybe you're even chasing a jackal right now. You also might have been voted "most fearless" in your group of peers. You're also always on the go, working, working, working. When you have group projects in school, you do all the work, and at the last moments of the project your teammates swoop in and say, "Yes, we were helping!" Even though they weren't. In the end, though, you just don't give a shoot, you're always hungry and you take what you want.

Your Patronus is obviously a: honey badger

Own It: Run backwards in slow motion.

Are you... Stunning? Graceful? A great swimmer? Maybe you'd be a good cheerleader if you weren't kind of quiet. But despite your shyness, you are quite popular. You seem to glide through the hallways, unaware of all that buzzes around you, your head held high. You're also a neat freak. Everything you own is spotless white. And you're a hopeless romantic.

Your Patronus is: A swan. Here is a picture of a swan photo bombing a picture of swans.

Own It: Join the ballet. You're already the star of the show.

What's your Patronus?

Related post: My Week at Hogwarts