It’s winter, fools. Cold temperatures mean less moisture in the air, which causes static, which means you start looking like David Crowder. Not only does a random beam of light make you appear to have a halo, you’re afraid this phenomenon will attract lightning bolts to your scalp. Also, you feel like Antoine’s perceived advances to kiss your head are really just the magnetic attraction between his braces and your hair. (No wonder he seemed to be so at war with himself.)
Here are some tips to becoming sole ruler of your follicular growth:
- Take a dryer sheet and rub it on your head. No, really! We’re serious. It actually gets fun after a while. Try doing it to “Whip My Hair” by Willow Smith.
- Silk pillowcase. We know you’re running the risk of looking like a jerk. Just try it, princess.
- And stay away from balloons. They are your worst enemies.
- Wash your hair less. But don’t stop using the deodorant. Please. Even if you’re dealing with static-y armpit hair.
- Wet your hair. Unfortunately, this only works in a humid environment; and when it dries or your Aunt Henrika sticks her claws in your hair it’ll actually be worse.
- A hat! Now there’s an idea. Just not one with all your fishhooks displayed and hanging off. You’re not cool enough for that.
- Pomade. I myself am a Dapper Dan man.
- Or a dry look hair gel. Since pomade and sculpting gels make your hair look wet, the dry hairs stick out twice as much. If you don’t like that look, then try a non-stick hair gel. They can be hard to find, but they’re very worth it. Instead of giving hair a greasy look, they look completely natural after an hour or two. But your hair stays.
- Hairspray. And a comb. And a good attitude.
- Never underestimate the fashion appeal of a duct-tape-covered head. On the edge? Yes. But where would we be today if Sir Isaac Newton hadn’t started the Chuck Taylor All-Star trend? Sneakers will never, and we repeat, never, go out of style. Just imagine you’re the next Sir Isaac Newton.
What do you do to combat static?
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