BATTLESHIP: This Movie Is Going to Get You A Boyfriend
You know that unbelievably dreamy, sorta dorky guy in your AP Calc class, the one you've been crushing on since he asked to borrow your TI-84? Well, THIS is the movie that is finally going to bring you two lovebirds together. "But Chelsea Dagger," you ask, "how can an epic action-adventure that unfolds across the seas possibly benefit my non-existent relationship with Jeremy?" Well, I'll tell you how: WITH THE POWER OF BADASS SPECIAL EFFECTS.
Allow me to elaborate by saying that no matter who you're currently enamored with (Manklers, this applies to you, too), that person will soon be putty in your hands—because you are going to ask them to see this movie with you, and by the end of it, they will have fallen irrevocably, irreversibly, irredeemably IN LOVE, both with you, and with the film (and possibly also with a large bucket of extra-butter popcorn, because that shizz is de-LISH).
This flick literally has something for ERRRRVRYONE: insanely cool action sequences, the rugged good looks of Friday Night Lights' Taylor Kitsch (I practically fainted when he growled the words "Got it, chief,"), Brooklyn Decker in a swimsuit, RIHANNA shootin' guns, and finally, the presence of Liam Neeson, which automatically skyrockets any film to instant "must-see" blockbuster status. Oh, plus, there's Alexander Skarsgard in a Navy uniform, giant robot sea monsters, and Tim Riggins havin' himself some sexy-time on the beach. WILL SOMEONE PLEASE FETCH ME MY SMELLING SALTS?!
Before I pass out in a puddle of drool upon my desk, I present you with a gift: the brand new Battleship trailer. Press play, and begin planning your movie date with Jeremy. DON'T FORGET THE EXTRA BUTTER.
Whaddaya think: will you take your crush to see this flick? If you don't, CHELSEA DAGGER WILL.
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