15 Things Not to Buy Your Crush for Christmas
We're assuming you're up to your pit stains in the Christmas gifts you've already bought, but have you bought a gift for your crush yet? You can't go wrong, just buy something from the heart! Wow, we can't even type that seriously. Let's be real—there are some things you just shouldn't give to the person you're crushing with your love vibes. It's just like Oprah or someone always says, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. And if you can't buy a non-creepy or non-insulting gift, don't buy any gift at all.
- Pop Psychology books like, oh, let's see, Shut Up, Stop Whining and Get a Life. Sure, you want your crush to get a "kick-butt approach to a better life," but there has got to be another way.
- Anything that screams "I have never met you before." That goes for impersonal things, like "dress socks that bankers wear" (a quote taken from a guy we polled on the topic), but also technically appropriate gifts that make zero sense for the crush at hand. If he has a peanut allergy, don't get him a membership to the Nut Of The Month Club. We'll confiscate that, thank you very much. If she has a super short hair cut, don't buy her a bunch of hair bows and ribbons. If she has Ornithophobia, don't buy her a bird feeder. That's just mean.
- One single ticket to something. Giving your crush one ticket to something is thwarting them from enjoying an event in the company of others. It's awkward. The guy we polled said getting one single ticket to something would be extra bad if that ticket was for Disney on Ice. We say: psh. His loss.
- Two tickets to something. Annnnnd it's awkward again. Did you intend your crush to ask you to use the other ticket? Or are they to bring their friend? The person they have a crush on who is not you? Their mom? This opens a can of worms we just don't want to open, which is notable because under normal circumstances we really enjoy opening cans of worms.
- A lock of your hair. Or anything that was/is on/in your body. If he wants your hair, he will just take it for himself.
- A lock of his hair, that you had previously stolen from him. That might be what he got you for Christmas.
- Pictures of him, taken by you, when he had no idea he was being photographed.
- A wedgie. You can't wrap wedgies in a box now, can you? Wait. Can you? Someone look into this.
- Bath salts. Does anyone actually use bath salts? Other than as bathroom decor to make it appear that the person who owns the bathroom uses bath salts?
- Cash. That's like saying, "I didn't know what the heck to get you, you do it." Now, when our grandmas give us a $5 bill, we are happy because they generally do not know what the heck to get us. But your crush is in your generation, your group of friends, maybe even. You should know something in the vicinity of what the heck to get him. Speaking of Grandma, don't get your crush...
- A sweater, undershirts, or anything you know is Grandma is already going to buy him. You don't want these words to exit his mouth after you give him his gift: "Cool! My grandma got me this, too!" You want to limit the number of similarities he can draw between you and the woman who gave birth to your mother.
- Collectible anything. If he doesn't collect it already, well then. He doesn't collect it. He doesn't want it. And if he does, he probably already has it.
- A tattoo on yourself of his or her name. You might as well jump out at him from behind some bushes, because you are scaring the living daylights out of him now.
- Magazine subscriptions. Especially if you just fill out the little slip that comes in magazines and check the "bill me later" box, filling in your crush's address.
- How to Play Contract Bridge Box Set. There is a 99.9% chance he does not want to learn how to play Contract Bridge.
What are you getting your crush?
Related post: Flirt With Your Crush, Holiday-Style