The Only Good Christmas Movies

Christmas movies are like farts: once in a while you’ll find one that doesn’t really stink, but all of them are a little bit cheesy, at least. If there are other good Christmas movies out there that don’t raise a stench when you open the DVD case, then tell us! But these are the only good ones we’ve found so far:

White Christmas (1954): The fake sets. The high pants. Bing Crosby’s voice like cranberry syrup. Danny Kaye’s effortless charm. The silly conflict. The great dancing. It’s a Christmas staple.

Pros: As mentioned, the dancing is pretty good, except in one or two scenes where it goes on too long or seems silly. Most of the songs are unforgettable, especially since they’re sung by some of the greatest entertainers of the 20^th century. Why can’t Danny Kaye be my fun uncle? Or my crazy grandpa? Or my endearing landlord?

Cons: Of course, the whole movie was filmed inside, but that’s not the point. The plot isn’t horrible until the screenwriters try to introduce conflict between Bing Crosby and the older sister (I can’t remember her name, so I’ll call her Pouty). Pouty draws the conflict out by leaving instead of talking with Bing. Oh, Pouty. You know that if you have a question, all you have to do is Bing! And Decide.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A classic, and another one that’s not about believing in dumb ol’ Santa Claus. In fact, it reveals the obvious about Santa Claus: anyone can pass themselves off as him or his brother or his mutant half-wolverine brother Giganta Claus. This is something we see in every Christmas parade and in every mall, and yet we refuse to face the truth: everyone and their mother can be Santa Claus and no one bats an eye. There’s bounty hunter Santas, burglar Santas, Satanist Santas, and Santas with Voldemort eyes.

Pros: The anti-consumerist message. Boris Karloff’s sexy voice. Thurl Ravenscroft’s “You’re A Mean One, Mr. Grinch.” And the fact that Dr. Seuss doesn’t need dumb ol’ traditional Christmas songs—he makes up his own! Even if no one knows what ‘fahoo forays’ means.

Cons: I certainly can’t think of any. The live-action movie didn’t quite do it justice, but it wasn’t bad.

Home Alone (1990): The best thing about Home Alone? It’s not about believing in Santa Claus. That’s what five hundred and three percent of children’s Christmas movies are about; believing in Santa. Parents, how are you ever going to reconcile the huge trust issues your kids have with you when they grew up being told that Santa was real, and then you told them that, oop, Mommy and Daddy lied! Next they’ll start doubting the existence of the other people you told them were real, like Abraham Lincoln, grandpa, and the Pillsbury Dough Boy.

Pros: Home Alone is about the importance of family and growing up. Nothing is sugarcoated: Kevin’s family is realistic and full of jerks. The humor is slapstick but it’s real, and we never get tired of it.

Cons: The sequels. Home Alone 2 copied the first one to the score, and Kevin is the only good part of the movie. Home Alone 3 and 4 are just about as good as salmonella tea cakes.

What's your favorite Christmas movie?

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