Auntie SparkNotes: Post-Suspension Ruination

Dearest Auntie,

I am in a predicament. You see, I was a good kid, leader, role-model, etc.in various roles of leadership in my HS: I was the Head Drum-Major of the band, I was the leader of FCA, Crimestoppers, Spanish Club, NHS, Drama Club, etc. etc.. Finally, school was going good and my hard work was finally paying off.

Then, the unthinkable happens.

At one of the football games, me and my section are joking around, having a good time, and I made a (sexist) joke towards my friend in the section. We all laughed, then we had to rush into the fight-song (we scored a TD). NBD, right?? Wrong. Apparently over the weekend, said student was offended by the joke I had made. She reported me for harrassment, and Monday morning, the principal called me to his office, showed me her complaint, and suspended me from school. Now, I'm in AEP (the bad kid's separate school) for 60 days, and I've lost everything. I'm not even in band anymore!!

I know there is nothing I can do to restore my reputation with everyone, or return to well, anything, but what should I do?? In regards to my friend, should I apologize to her, make amends and try to (somewhat) become friends again, or should I just steer well clear of her and completely avoid her? (I haven't seen her since it happened, and she blocked me on Facebook.) And what is this going to do to my chances for college? My grades are great, and my test scores decent, but to get into Yale, my dream school, now that I've lost my extracurriculars, leadership, etc. and went from an Honor Student to an "At-Risk Student" (seriously?) what happens next?

FIrst, a note: if you're anything like me, you probably got to the end of this letter, sat back, and said, "What the #$%*?"

Because while we at SparkNotes are all committed feminists and proponents of equality between the sexes, a 60-day suspension for one comment—even a (gasp!) sexist one—seems perhaps just a little bit over the top. And in light of things not adding up, I emailed our letter-writer back, and he obligingly solved the Mystery of the Excessive Punishment by telling me a) what he said (it wasn't even particularly sexist), but b) that it really didn't matter, because c) the punishment had less to do with his actual offense and more to do with a huge, pre-existing grudge between the school's principal and himself after a massive drama involving another member of LW's family.

None of which really changes the advice he gets, but it's nevertheless interesting to realize that, somewhere out there, is a whiny, pathetic, power-abusing school administrator who deserves a gratuitous beating with the Punishment Salmon.

And now, on to the question: namely, what happens now that you've gone from Star Student to Persona Non Grata?
And the answer is: now, sir, you assemble your resources and wait it out.

Because while there's a chance that this won't have any effect on your college application process (especially if your paperwork is already in), you need to be prepared for the fact that it could—especially when, as in your case, the adults in charge aren't operating on the side of reason. So, three things:

1. Get back as much of your pre-suspension life as you can. The whole point of suspension is that it, in itself, is the punishment; once it's over, you should be able to more or less resume your life at school, especially in light of the potential effect on your college applications. How possible this is, I don't know, but talk to your extracurricular advisors and/or guidance counselor about it.

2. Get your ducks in a row. It's bad enough to have a black mark on your record, but it's even worse if it's not based in truth. Get a copy of the complaint against you and any other paperwork (or get your parents to do so). Make sure the report is accurate. And if it's not, see if you can arrange a meeting between you, your parents, and a sympathetic administrator (your guidance counselor for instance, or, if possible, the superintendent of schools) to discuss what can be done. It's important that your record reflect what actually happened, and that you be as open about it as possible—especially since, in your case, the truth can only make you look better.

3. Talk to your friend—but cautiously, please. Her blocking you on Facebook probably means one of two things: either a) she honestly believes that your comment was suspension-worthy harassment and has severed your friendship as a result, or b) she's mortified at having been the agent of your destruction and can't bear to face you. (Or, of course, there's option C: that your comment wasn't really that innocuous and she's righteously, rightfully pissed. But for the sake of brevity, we're just going to assume you told the full and honest truth about what happened.) If it's the former, you don't want to give her the ammo to torpedo your life a second time (or, God forbid, put yourself back on the radar of Principal Grudgeypants). So, if you want to make amends, please do it with witnesses present. Your school's peer mediation program, if you have one, would be a good place to start; it gives you both a safe arena in which to discuss what happened, why she reacted the way she did, and whether you can reconcile.

Basically, what you do now is whatever you can. And what happens will be... well, whatever happens. I can't promise that it'll be awesome; the best I can do is the assurance that a person as obviously smart, resourceful, and social as you will get through this, move on to better things, and eventually forget that it ever happened. And in the meantime, you can take heart in the following:

1. The people who were there know what really happened.
2. Unlike most life-alteringly horrible experiences, this one will be left behind as soon as you graduate high school.
3. When it comes to the gap in your resume, most college admissions officers (and in fact, most reasonable adults in general) will look at your stellar academic and extracurricular record, hold it up against the offense you're supposed to have committed, and surmise (as I did) that there's more to the story than the sum of its parts.

But seriously, isn't this CRAZY? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.

Related post: How to Be a Band Geek