How NOT to Cute Christmas
Admit it, December is the time of year when every person in the entire world wakes up their inner child, dresses it in an elf costume, and stuffs it full of eggnog and Christmas cookies. And, that usually gets old by, say, December 3rd. How long can you be expected to put up with the footie-pajamas and cheek-pinching old ladies? Well, don't worry! For all of you Grinches out there who are frustrated with all this holiday cheer, here's how you can start a counter-movement:
- Give everyone you know a fruitcake. Most people agree that there is no holiday food so gross as a fruitcake—we're not really sure how they've even stuck around this long. But you're sure to turn your friends' smiles upside-down when you stuff their stockings with this nasty treat.
- Burn a Christmas tree on your lawn. Nothing will intimidate your cheery neighbors as much as seeing one of their most beloved traditions torched to ashes in front of them! Not to mention, the blackened grass should warn off any harbingers of holiday hospitality. If you're feeling especially plucky, throw one of those "adorable" inflatable Frosty the Snowman decorations in the bonfire, too!
- Decorate like it's Halloween. Nothing says "I am NOT cute" more than a fake zombie in your hallway and spiderwebs on the front door.
- Wear light-up Christmas sweaters. This may sound counter-intuitive, but we promise those sweaters are not cute. They are ironically ugly. Wearing one would be like walking around with your sarcasm hand raised. Still, if that's not enough for you, feel free to pair your sweater with an I-hate-the-world scowl.
- Visit Santa. Sit on his lap for a minimum of half-an-hour and don't say anything. We assure you, this will frustrate parents with squealing Christmas children to no end.
- Buy coal. Lots and lots of coal. Then, in the middle of the night, replace all of your family's presents with boxes filled with coal. Quickly sell all the real gifts online at discount prices to ensure no one finds them.
- One word: Screamo. Did you know that there are quite a few holiday albums done by screamo bands? Now you do. Buy them, then play while near anyone who glows with holiday goodwill (bonus points if those people are Christmas carolers). That's the spirit!
- Eggnog your neighborhood! This is similar to egging peoples' houses, but even better: douse their cars in eggnog! Leave the empty cartons lying around for good measure, and listen to those glorious groans on Christmas morning.
- Wear "elf" costumes. You know the ones I'm talking about—they have less material than a bathing suit and come with built-in breast implants. Well, if you show up to your relatives' house for your annual holiday party, you can bet Grandma will shoot you a few glares. And no one, especially not your cheek-pinching aunts, will dare to call you cute.
How do you counteract Christmas Cheer?
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