How to Write a Controversial SparkLife Post

lleya presents a guide that could be EXTREMELY dangerous in the wrong hands—so use it with caution!–Sparkitors

Everyone knows that there are usually two ways to get lots of comments: either you write a controversial post, or you're Dan Bergstein. Since we know that the number of comments is directly proportional to how awesome an article is, it stands to reason that controversial articles are the absolute best you can offer. Because my reasoning is clearly flawless and logical, I assume you all now want to write a controversial post. Unfortunately, this isn't actually as easy as it sounds, but luckily, I can offer some advice.

1. Be negative: 90% of the time, negative opinions will anger people more than positive ones (this is proven by Science, so don't you dare say I'm lying).

Example: "I think Taylor Swift is pretty." How many of you want to angrily smash your keyboard in order to tell me that I'm actually very wrong? I'm going to guess almost none. But look at this: "I think Taylor Swift has a stupid face." Now I can practically hear the flame-throwers!

2. Make generalizations: You get bonus points if these are about gender, race, sexual orientation, etc. Everyone who your generalization doesn't apply to will be dying to tell you how wrong you are, and many more angry people who are not part of that group will righteously support them.

Example: "Most women aspire to be stay-at-home moms." It's like I can feel the capslock key being pressed.

3. Talk about a subject that is already divisive: This should be a no-brainer, but I'll mention it anyway. These topics are wonderful, because most of the time you don't even need to hint at your opinion, you just have to mention it and people will leap to give their highly-valued, eloquent, and unique opinion on the subject.

Example: "Abortion." Feeling the overwhelming urge to type a small novel on why you're pro-choice/pro-life is completely normal at this point.

Remember: Sometimes, the most divisive things seem insignificant, so you don't even have to bring up something as relevant as abortion to get people fired up. A simple "Eragon" or "Miley Cyrus" will usually do the trick, or if you want to give it a slightly more important feel but no more relevance, "Fox News" or "MSNBC" work just fine.

4. Your opinion is fact: Opinion that pretends to be fact can be just the necessary push to get a reaction. No one  likes it when their "side" is disproved with actual fact, let alone when someone attempts to disprove it with another opinion.

Example: "AVPM is an objectively bad musical." Does anyone have anything to say about that?

5. Sex sells: Do you feel the overwhelming urge to say something about your sex life online? No? Well, you should anyway, since you'd have roughly half the comments hilariously trying to "respectfully disagree" with your "lifestyle choices" for about a sentence, before dropping the pretence and typing an entire thesis on why you are wrong and should exist differently.

Example: "I am currently having sex like I do every five and a half minutes." I know roughly one in two Sparklers want to yell at me right now.

6. The only country that exists is the USA: A surefire way to get international readers angry is to pretend they don't exist. After all, what's more frustrating that being ignored? This is a pretty big part of why American holidays like Thanksgiving can sometimes be irritating to some people on the web.

Example: "Thanksgiving is the best international holiday! Happy Thanksgiving everybody on the whole entire globe! Isn't turkey great?" More than one person wants to choke me right now.

7. Keep it brief: We've all seen arguments sparked from a single sentence, especially on the Internet. The reason for this, according to no one, is that not only is that all it takes, but since a sentence is really only a small glimpse into an opinion, those who don't agree are free to start attacking straw men. That may sound bad, but trust me, it's great because those who feel misrepresented by the strawman get angry too, and they fire back with their own strawmen, so it forms a vicious cycle of hilarious comments.

Example: If I say "I am a Scientologist" then, amidst all the name-calling, someone is going to type an essay trying to argue with points that aren't even there. Another Scientologist might see this and reduce it to other, different non-existent arguments and add more fuel to the fire. Someone else will see that and so on and so forth.

Now that you are armed with this knowledge, I trust you will all go off to write controversial SparkLife posts!

In case anyone's sarcasm radar is off today, we just want to clarify: this post is a JOKE. So don't start any light saber fights in the comment, por favor—unless we're invited. Now, how do you feel about controversial posts? It seems like a lot of times, they start out simply as opinion or advice pieces ((like this one or this one), but all our different perspectives turn the comments section into a pressure cooker of divisive debate! What do you think? Do you enjoy getting your argument on, as long as everyone is respectful and calm? Do you feel like we can learn from each other when a controversy arises?

Related post: FAQ: Writing for SparkLife!