Auntie SparkNotes: Of Convicts and Communication

Dear Auntie,

So let me get straight to the awkward, abnormal point: my dad has been in prison since before the start of the century and he's being released in a few months!

So, I won't get into any details of his crime (think: drugs), but I'm writing to you because I'm pretty confused on what to do. Our relationship is about as good as it can get, considering I only see him a few times a year, email when I feel up to it, and if by chance he actually has extra minutes at the end of the month, he'll call me (he uses most of his allotted time on my mom or his mom). Don't get me wrong, he's supportive and stuff, and I suppose I love him since he's never done anything bad to me, he's just not been World's Greatest Dad. I don't remember a time when he wasn't in prison, and now I'm in college so there's a lot he missed out on. My question is: WHAT DO I DO WHEN HE GETS OUT?!

And my answer is, OMG GURL! YOU DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!

But for the sake of better explanations (and giving my poor caps lock a break), here's the more nuanced advice: basically, it's up to you to decide how to approach your dad, and your relationship with him, once he's out of prison. If you want to jump right in, you can. If you want to take it slow, you can do that too. There's no right or wrong way to handle it, and you're both going to have to figure out—mostly by trial and error—how you'll relate to each other outside the framework of the penal system.

But to make the transition easier, a few suggestions:

1. There are resources available to you; don't be afraid to use them. There are many support groups and organizations dedicated to helping the children of prisoners and former prisoners deal with the unique difficulties of reuniting after a long separation, where you can get useful information, talk it out, and meet people who've been there and can tell you what to expect. To find one in your state, check out the lists on the Family & Corrections Network website. (There may even be a group affiliated with the facility where your dad is currently incarcerated.)

2. Get started now. You don't have to wait until your dad is out of prison to start figuring out how you'll approach each other—especially since he's probably just as freaked out about this as you are. So, to begin with, put your feelings into an email. Make a tentative, basic plan for seeing him when he gets out. If there's anything you're uncomfortable with, say so. If you need time, say so. If you don't really know how to feel or what to do, say so. Basically, open the lines of communication so that, when the time comes for your first non-prison meeting, you both have at least a basic idea of what to expect.

3. Most importantly, give yourself (and your dad, too) room to screw up. Whatever sort of relationship you end up with—whether it's close, or friendly, or just-on-the-holidays and no-hugging-please—you're not going to get there right away. Rebuilding a relationship after a huge change like this can take a lot of time, a lot of tries, and more than a few mistakes. You'll be uncomfortable, and he'll be weird, and you may both end up saying things you don't mean, or not saying the things you do. And that's okay, because you're only human. (And if it all seems too hard to negotiate on your own, this is what family therapists are for.)

The bad news is, it's going to be weird and awkward and, in all likelihood, really really hard.
The good news is, every rekindled relationship with an emotionally or physically absent parent is weird and awkward and hard... and yet, people manage to make it work. All the time. And so will you. Promise.

Got some support for our Sparkler? Leave it in the comments! (And no bashing on her convict dad, mmkay? Girlfriend's feeling freaked out enough already.) And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.

Related post: Auntie SparkNotes: Where There's Smoke