How to Tie a Tie: The (In)Comprehensive Guide
flyergirl13 is just as good at tying ties as she is at surviving a fight with a zombie. Which is to say, not very good.—Sparkitors
I decided to tackle this tough subject because it is the most-searched "how-to" question on Google. I am, however, a female who has not yet encountered a situation in which tie-tying knowledge is necessary. Regardless of my obvious lack of experience, I shall explain to you the intricacies behind this subject. Come with me as we conquer the mysteries of the tie!
Step One: Gather Materials. Obviously, you need a tie, but you'll probably need some other supplies as well. I was thinking zip-ties, duct tape, scotch tape, superglue, and safety pins—just in case we fail on our quest.
DO: Choose an awesome tie. A tie patterned with rainbow dolphins wearing sunglasses will be far easier to tie than a navy argyle tie. I promise. Maybe.
DON'T: Use Elmer's Glue. It's out to steal your soul.
Step Two: Examine the Tie. Get to know your tie. How will you ever discover the secret to tying it if you don't understand it fully? Memorize its pattern and shape, and name every single strand of thread. Time-consuming, to be sure, but totally worth it.
DO: Have a friend quiz you on parts of a tie. Make sure you get 100%.
DON'T: Have a sibling quiz you, because everyone knows that siblings will eat the tie to spite you.
Step Three: Learn Your Knots. I'm talking the figure-eight knot, square knot, sheet knot, bowline, half hitch, French bow, sheep shank, landline, clove hitch, parrot perch, and overhand knot. (Three of those I made up. Can you tell which?) I know you won't use them when tying your tie, but they'll get your fingers used to knotting things.
DO: Untie each knot after you tie it. That way, you fingers will be used to untying things, so when you inevitably fail at tying your tie, you'll be perfectly able to undo the damage.
DON'T: Use a knot guide. It's more fun if you just make up your own knots.
Step Four: Tie Your Tie. Can't really give you much guidance here. Just sort of twist it around until it looks right.
DO: Use both hands. I'm pretty sure I've seen people doing it like that. Maybe.
DON'T: Pull it too tight. Hint: if you start to find breathing a difficult chore, it may be too tight.
Step Five: Be Resourceful. Remember those extra materials I had you collect? Now is when they come in handy.
DO: Duct tape the tie in the right position.
DON'T: Superglue the tie to your shirt.
And voila, you or the nearest gentlemen should now have a perfectly tied tie!
We're still stuck on Step 2; naming these individuals threads is taking FOREVER. Are you a tie-tying expert?
Related post: Flyergirl Tells You How