The holiday season has begun! Before you rush out to buy gifts today, read this. I decided to make things easier this year and wrote up a simple, organized list of the presents I would most enjoy. The information is handy and useful not just for the holidays, but for my upcoming birthday in August. If you cannot find the items on the list, you’re not a true friend.
1. Peace on Earth.
2. Cures for all diseases.
3. A copy of Breaking Dawn autographed by J.K. Rowling.
5. Jetpack fuel.
6. Size 11 roller-sandal. (Nothing too pink or feminine. Purple OK.)
7. Trap door.
9. Sideways trampoline.
10. Magic javelin—as I believe a javelin is just a larger wand and will therefore be exponentially more powerful.
11. Size 10.5 roller-clog. (The sizes tend to run large.)
12. A flashdark. It’s like a flashlight but the opposite.
13. My very own valley.
14. A tuba that, when you play the right note, a boxing glove pops out of the horn, incapacitating your enemy.
15. Peace on Secret Earth (The one we’re not supposed to talk about—the little one hidden behind the moon.)
16. Tightrope. (Size XXXL)
17. A less-patronizing dancing Elmo doll.
18. Tattoo of several letter I’s on the back of my head so that I can make a hilarious pun at sophisticated dinner parties.
19. A third robotic horse.
20. A pencil that’s also a pen, crayon, piece of chalk, paintbrush, and bucket.
21. The Incredibles 2 (Make it happen, Pixar. Stop being such douchebags.)
22. Cuckoo clock.
23. Cuckoo toilet.
24. VHS copy of last Harry Potter movie. (If we don’t support the medium, it will die out.)
26. Stealth helicopter w/ helicopter instructions and helicopter fuel.
27. Helicopter landing spot on top of a secret mountain.
28. More wishes.
29. Ladder to enchanted cloud world.
30. Weapon to use against nosy enchanted cloud world citizens. (Whip?)
31. Sousaphone that launches boxing glove at enemies.
32. Tin of popcorn. (But, like, a really special one.)
33. A website database of all song lyrics that doesn’t act like one giant computer virus.
34. Visible go-kart—unlike the one my uncle (supposedly) got me.
35. Tom Hanks’ cell phone number.
36. Season pass to Jurassic Park.
37. A friendly comb.
38. Recipe to make homemade wizard lighting.
39. A docile pet duck that I can dress up as Scrooge McDuck, complete with top hat, cane, glasses, and spats.
40. Very large marbles. And no, bowling balls don’t count. It’s not the same!
41. A movie about two attractive friends who have casual sex with each other and then slowly fall in (complicated) love. Oh Santa, if only such a movie existed. [sigh]
42. A toaster that says, “Yum, yum, yum,” when you stick toast in it.
43. Book about things.
44. A calendar featuring photographs of other calendars.
45. Hotdog costume. (A costume for my hotdogs. Maybe a pirate or sexy cop?)
46. A version of Monopoly that is modified to promote a certain product, hobby, or animal. Oh Santa, if only such a game existed. [whimper]
47. Scented candle that you can eat.
48. Jetpack batteries.
49. An orange, to make it feel like one of those dumb Victorian Christmases.
50. A happy, healthy holiday with loved ones…and a butler…named Hawk…who solves crime when he’s not butlering. And Hawk has a motorcycle…with a sidecar…that I can ride in.
Thanks in advance!
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