Thanksgiving dinner can be as tedious as it is delicious. While the food is tasty, sitting through your uncle’s story about how he saved $75 on wood for his deck is almost unbearable. Luckily, technology is here to save you. A Twitter account and mobile phone are all you need to survive boring anecdotes and constant questions of, “How’s school?”
But it’s not enough to simply Tweet: “Sux. Grandma asked ‘How’s school’ again. Hate life.” Thanksgiving is a time to amuse your followers, as they will all be checking their own phones for any respite from the monotony of dinner. This is your chance to shine! You can be the hero of Thanksgiving and entertain the rest of the world! Here’s how.
Step One: Start out slow.
“Thanxgiving at Aunt’s house. Can’t wait to tell everyone how school is. [eye-roll]”
Step Two: Make a fist turkey (see above drawing) and send it as a Twitpic.
“I made a fist turkey. It's like a hand turkey, but more aggressive. Fear its mighty thumb-head!”
Step Three: Make astute observation.
“When we’re all living on the moon, will we still celebrate Thanksgiving? It only relates to America. Better enjoy it while it lasts. [makes 2nd fist turkey]”
Step Four: Add to your observation.
“Guess we could celebrate Moon Thanksgiving, the day we shared food with ourselves…on the moon. #MoonThanksgiving”
Step Five: Tell a thoughtful, heartwarming Thanksgiving story.
“Pop-Pop’s sleeping. Told little cousin to hold deflated balloon over Pop-Pop, so that if he died, his ghost would rise up and be trapped in the balloon.”
“Holding deflated balloon over Pop-Pop’s head. Cousin is curious and scared.”
“When cousin wasn’t looking, blew up the balloon. Now I’m carrying it around and calling it Pop-Pop. Cousin freaked and ran.”
"Cousin screaming, 'Don't pop Pop-Pop!'"
“Used static electricity to stick balloon to cousin’s hair. She cried so hard!!!”
“Held balloon over Pop-Pop’s head and popped it. Pop-Pop woke up startled and I told my cousin I shoved the ghost back into his body.”
“Cousin vomited with hysteria. Ruined her Littlest Pet Shop.”
Step Six: Throw in non-Thanksgiving related Tweet.
“What if bees taste really good?”
Step Seven: Live-blog the dinner with enthusiasm and bizarre comparisons.
“Can’t tell if I’m eating corn, or fairy eggs. So good!”
“Cranberry sauce? More like Cranberry boss!”
“Gravy is the sweat of the angels. #AngelSweat”
Step Eight: Throw off the readers as you continue your live-blog.
“The turkey this year is pretty good, but my fav will always be the Thanksgiving penguin. So juicy! More please!!!”
“It just wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without Uncle Harold’s famous mole sausage stuffing.”
“I love all the food, but I’m really looking forward to leftovers tomorrow. Fish jam just tastes better the second day.”
“Apple pie, pumpkin pie, celery pie, pecan pie! How can I choose just one?! [Loosens belt] #Pie”
Step Nine: Callback to previous Tweet.
“Remember when I made that fist turkey? That was totally viper.”
Step Ten: Wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving in the most impersonal way possible as you try to decipher a trending topic. (Note: Most trending topics on Twitter are caused by people asking why the topic is trending. It’s a vicious cycle.)
“Happy Thanksgiving. Why is ‘Justin Lemur’ trending? Don’t get it.”
Happy Thanksgiving! #Sparkitorhugz
Related post: OK, Twitter, I Take It Back
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