Birthday cards are tricky business, just like under-the-table dealings, friendships with the mob, swing dancing, or attempting flight with only a flock of blue macaws and faith.
And just like all of these, the key to writing a meaningful yet sapless (i.e., not sappy) birthday card is to consider who you're writing it to.
Category 1: Best friend. These are the easiest to do if you really are best friends and not just con men disguised as best friends to fool the Mafia. You’ll probably have inside jokes, and you’ll probably have memories—these make great fodder for the card you choose and the note you write inside it. Plus, since this person is your best friend, if it is sappy or not meaningful, he'll forgive you!
Category 2: The “You Just Got Invited to Their Party Because All Your Friends Are Going” friend. These are a little harder because, to be honest, the only reason you know Sweet Sixteen Sami is because you and your friends duct taped her entire body to the window of Kmart three Halloweens ago with a banner that said ‘Lawn Ornaments ONLY $17.99!’ But you’re off the hook for writing something meaningful; in fact, don’t even try. It could come out wrong, or creepy. All you have to do is pick a card that’s at least mildly funny and write "Hope you have the best day!" inside. Hopefully she’s forgotten about that whole Kmart incident.
Category 3: The friend you used to be closer with. Something happened; you two got into a disagreement, or he switched schools and you two didn’t see each other for a year, or you two just slowly stopped hanging out. Then, out of nowhere, you get invited to his party and now you’re sitting on the floor of the greeting card aisle in Wal-Mart with your head in your hands. Go meaningful? Not too much, because there’s some awkwardness between you two. Since you can’t address the issue in a simple card, avoid it all together and go for something funny. Make her roar if you’re like that. If hilarity isn’t your gift, then find some quote online. Don’t just write the bare minimum unless you want the awkwardness to increase.
Category 4: The Normal Friend. Believe it or not, the normal friend is one of the hardest to write a birthday card for. You might have some good memories or in-jokes, but he might not remember them when he reads the card, and the joke will fall flat. Can’t have that happen, so balance the deep with the not-so-serious. "You’ve always taught me that life should be lived to the funnest." Oh wow. I came up with that on the spot. I should work for Hallmark.
Category 5: The Crush. Okay, this is hard. Super hard. You know the easiest way?
- Go to New York.
- Specifically, a cemetery at midnight.
- Zombify Frank Sinatra.
- Have him write it for you.
This would be easier than trying it yourself. Good luck!
What do you write in birthday cards?
Related post: What Christmas Cards Say About... Other People
Topics: Life
Tags: parties, friendships, awkward situations, birthdays, cards
Post a comment!