Auntie SparkNotes: The Blob

Dear Auntie,
It's simple and I need guidance: I am in love with my boyfriend. I'm not one to easily say such a thing, and I'm not a hopeless romantic. But he's THE ONE for me. There's no way to describe it without sounding cliche. So I'll get straight to the point. He doesn't love me like I love him. I'm not "his one". He loves me, he says, and treats me right and well. But it scares me, this love that I have for him. It consumes every part of me. I will do ANYTHING for him. And every second without him I am in physical pain. How do I deal with this love? It's scary.

Before we begin, Sparklers, let me just say that dating in high school can truly be a wonderful thing. Many people fall in love for the first time as teenagers, and that's great; many people learn valuable lessons about relationships, communication, and sexuality with their high school sweethearts, and that's even greater. And when it comes to this column, there's nothing lovelier than receiving messages from young people in loving, healthy, happy high school relationships.

Unfortunately, this is not one of those letters.

Because while teenage love can be a great and powerful force for good, codependency is an evil, soul-sucking remora that is anathema to romance. When you allow your relationship to define you—when everything that makes you who you are is eclipsed and consumed by your feelings for someone else—it's time to take a breather. And when every moment without your beloved causes you the actual, physical pain of addictive withdrawal, it's time for an intervention.

Which is to say, Sparkler, that what you're feeling most certainly is scary—because what you're describing sounds less like a healthy relationship and more like the plot of a B-grade horror movie called "THE BLOB... OF FEELINGS!," in which your love for your boyfriend becomes self-aware, takes on the form of a marauding sentient ooze, and eats you (and several unfortunate passersby) alive.

So, how do you deal with it? By taking a step back, taking a deep breath, and rediscovering the parts of you that have nothing to do with your relationship with him. Think back to a time before The Boyfriend became the biggest thing in your life: what did you do? Who did you spend time with? What made you happy? (And fair warning: if you try to tell me that you were never happy until you found him, I'm going to drop-kick you in the direction of the nearest competent therapist. Because if your fulfillment as a human being has always depended entirely on external forces, you need more—and more serious—help than I can give you.)

And once you've remembered what you used to do before you were eaten alive by your feelings, go do it. Without him. At a minimum of three days per week, and until you've figured out how to make yourself happy from the inside out. Pick up an old hobby; visit with friends; make time for a good book, or regular exercise, or some quality downtime with your TV. You need to rediscover the You that disappeared into this relationship—and before you balk, please note that you'll be doing this not just for your own sake, but for the sake of the guy you hold so dear. Because lady, your boyfriend can never truly love you if there is no YOU to love. And not only do you owe it to yourself to retain your whole-person-ness when you're in a relationship, you owe it to your partner, too.

Otherwise, you have nothing to offer except for an insatiable blob made of feelings.
And nobody likes a blob.

Have you ever extricated yourself from a codependent relationship? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.

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