Picking and Receiving the Perfect Present: A Holiday Guide

Lucyyintheskyyy needs to learn that the fastest way to our sweaty hearts is a totally impractical, $ 25,000 car shaped like a muffin.—Sparkitors

As the holidays approach, so does the season for gift-giving. In the midst of Christmas trees, Jesus, and the relatives, gift giving becomes a main focus. Shops are open late, displays are mesmerizing (and distracting), people are getting mugged outside of malls, and girl scouts are selling gift-wrapping with reindeers, snowflakes, and menorahs.

Part 1 of the Christmas Giftorcism begins with the protagonist as the giver. It doesn’t matter whether you’re the Black-Friday-Ravager or the Christmas-Eve-Procrastinator; either way, finding the right gift for your mom can be more difficult than finding your soulmate—and that's where this guide comes in.

If only it were as easy as walking right into that "OMGPERFECT-she-needs-this!" gift. But chances are, it won’t fall off the shelf and into your arms. So your options include: perusal of the holiday sales for an indefinite amount of time, a homemade sentimental relic from the arts and crafts box, or the all-time favorite, a generic gift card. Don’t even bother picking the gift card for their favorite restaurant, clothing store, or bagel place—just get the one that acts like cash, because that's the one thing that NO ONE can say no to.

Although it may be stressful finding the perfect gift for all those beloved someones in your life, it can be even more painful receiving a gift yourself. Think of it this way: once you give a gift to someone, it’s gone. It’s not sitting on your dresser after New Years, waiting to be repackaged, re-gifted, or returned.

While you may luck out with a grandpa who has great taste in skinny jeans or an aunt who somehow selected a totally sick skateboard for ya, it's not very likely. In the alternate holiday universe called reality, you’ll end up with that gift. The one you’ve been dreading since Labor Day. There are a few gifts on Santa’s list this year that definitely qualify for the Worst Holiday Present Ever Award. Favorites include:

*The ugly Christmas sweater. It’s classic. They even started mass-producing them (from a website, not from your great-aunt’s rocking chair). Their bestsellers this year are the sweatshirts. They come in all hues of forest green, obnoxious neon red, and ugly brown.

*The ever-useful twirling spaghetti fork: the utensil you totally forgot about but always secretly never wanted.

*The $25,000 cupcake car. “Dallas-based Neiman Marcus said it made a conscious effort to offer more affordable options while not disappointing loyal luxury shoppers..." Because everyone loves to look like an idiot in their own neighborhood.

*20% Off Coupon to the Endless Buffet Mexi-Vietnamese-Chili-Pastry restaurant on the corner. Enjoy food poisoning!

Whatever happens, try not fret over the 2011 gift experience. There’s plenty of other sources of holiday cheer—Christmas tree shopping, annoying relatives camping out in your basement, the endless stream of sappy Christmas movies, and the radio stations gone gospel. Now get to reveling in that good old Christmas spirit!

Wait, you're saying the cupcake car is a BAD gift? ARE YOU INSANE?! What gifts are you giving this year? What's on your Must Have list?

Related post: The Ultimate Guide to Gift-Giving