What Not to Wear to Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving is only one week away, but fortunately, unless you're your mom, the holiday asks very little of you. You might have to put out the forks or something, but generally, your job is to show up, eat, and tell your family that you are thankful for them. It is almost impossible to mess this up. Almost. You could wear the wrong outfit. And the wrong outfit would be...
Anything from Bebe. The only way dresses like the Leopard Mesh Bustier Dress, the One Shoulder Metallic Diva Dress, and the Sequin Strapless Jumpsuit (WHY, OH DEAR GOD, WHY?) are family-appropriate is if you're a Kardashian. Before you pick out something that's revealing, put it on, stand in front of your mirror, and do a somersault, jump up and down for two minutes, spin around in circles, and do a Newsies-style air kick. Now look at yourself. Is your butt completely showing? Has your top slipped off? If your dress is still in place and your body is still covered, your dress is probably okay to wear at the Thanksgiving table. Even if you're sitting next to Uncle Larry.
A Christmas sweater. Hold your horses, cowboy. You don't want to seem like one of those people who doesn't give a ratt's buttcheeks about a selfless holiday based on gratitude and family and is gunning it toward the one that involves a bunch of presents. You can wear that sweater tomorrow. And please, do. Christmas sweaters rule.
Skinny Jeans. If you still fit into your skinny jeans after Thanksgiving dinner, you didn't do your job right.
Your prom dress. You're missing the whole point of Thanksgiving.
A royal wedding hat. Listen. Those things are huge and you don't need anything distracting you from your only mission of the day: inhaling as much food as possible. Plus, if the hat falls off into a bowl, it will ruin the cranberry Jell-O salad for everyone. That might get you banished to the children's table. (Which is party time-awesome, but... uncomfy little chairs.)
A romper. Rompers are cute, but difficult to take off when you have to pee. Under normal circumstances that isn't a problem, but when you have to excuse yourself at Thanksgiving dinner, every second counts. As you spend extra time wiggling out of your romper, your greedy family is back at the table, not caring that you only got three servings of creamed corn, sucking up every morsel in sight.
White. Go into the meal assuming you are going to spill stuff all over your clothes. Then if you don't, you'll feel like a heroic winner.
Brown. Someone, in a trance from their food coma, could mistake you for the turkey and STAB YOU! One of the sploggers heard it happened to her friend's cousin's BFF's boss' daughter-in-law.
Running shoes. Where you going, tiger? Let's be real. You are not getting in a "workout" today. The only reason you'd need to get anywhere fast is if your family had a buffet table. And in that case, slippers or bare feet would suffice.
A pilgrim outfit. Actually, wait. Do wear a pilgrim outfit. That is sort of awesome.
Anything that is not a pair of sweat pants. Let's not try to reinvent the wheel, here. Sweat pants are comfy, allow for excessive stomach expansion, require zero transition to loungewear, can be worn for days/nights in a row, allow for sitting on the floor next to fireplaces, and are cheap enough that it doesn't matter if you accidentally slather them with pumpkin. (In fact, they already have a bunch of stains on them, so who is really going to notice anyway?) Basically, they get the job done. And that is something to be thankful for.
What are you wearing to Thanksgiving?
Related post: How to Win at Thanksgiving