Auntie SparkNotes: Mormon Madness!

Dearest Auntie,

I live in Utah, and I am a Mormon. I'm not a bad kid. In fact, outside of the Mormon community, I'm probably considered a total goody two-shoes. Unfortunately, the LDS church is VERY conservative. And my parents are amongst the more conservative families of the church. I, on the other hand, am not so much. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I want to become a druggy porn star who writes a blog about how Mormons suck, but I do feel very restricted by some of the boundaries.

I've tried talking to my parents about letting me take a break from the church (not going to activities for a while) and not being so strict on some of the standards (no R-rated movies, touch a boy while you're still in high school and you're dead, don't even THINK of drinking coffee, that kind of stuff), but they will hear none of it. They are convinced that when I say stuff like that, "it's Satan talking." They have also informed me that if I try to distance myself from the church at all, they will refuse to help me pay for college, which would really suck because I'm planning on getting a Doctorate's degree.

I don't want to be anti-Mormon, but I want religion to be something I participate in because I choose to, not because my parents force me to. In addition, it's taking up time that I don't have in my busy schedule. I'm not really sure what else I can do about the situation, but if I get one more preachy lecture about how much I'm disappointing God, I might go crazy. HELP!

Oh boy. Okay, you guys, listen up. Before we go any further, let's be clear: we're not out to bash on religion, here. In fact, religion isn't even what this letter is about. And despite the particulars of your circumstances, Sparkler, religion isn't actually your problem.

Rather, the problem is that your parents are rigid, unreasonable, and perhaps a little bit paranoid; religion is just the box they've chosen to pack it in. Because really, you could just as easily replace the conviction that "That's Satan talking" with an equally out-there theory—for instance, that your interest in coffee, boys, and other common trappings of teenage-hood are the result of government brainwashing or alien abduction—and I'd still be giving you the same advice. (And before we launch a huge debate about the reasonable extent of religious belief, I hope we can all agree that there's a big difference between having faith and following the teachings of Jesus/Mohammed/Buddha/whoever, versus believing that the Devil is here, in America, for the specific purpose of insinuating high school crushes and caffeine cravings into the hearts and minds of unsuspecting teenagers. Okay? Okay.)

So, needless to say, I personally believe that any parents who threaten the loss of financial support as a means of controlling their child's beliefs deserve an extended beating with the Punishment Salmon. But more importantly, most people will recognize that your folks are pushing the limits of reasonable behavior—and that blackmailing you into continuing your relationship with the church will make you more, not less, likely to pull away. So, for starters, see if you can't find a leader within your church—someone your parents respect—who understands and agrees that you need the opportunity to choose your own religious path. And if that person exists, ask him or her to meet with you and your parents. With the weight of an adult's opinion on your side, they may be more willing to consider your feelings.

And if you can't find an advocate within your church? Alas, you've got two tough choices ahead of you—starting with whether to grit your teeth, put on your best fake smile, and hang in there until you're 18... or keep pushing back and risk whatever repercussions your parents want to throw at you. And once you're a legal adult, you'll be faced with the decision that every person in your position eventually has to make about what matters to you more: your own independence, or your parents' approval.

Which is it? I don't know; it's your call. On one side, you have your relationship with your family, their financial support while you attend school, and all the other benefits that come with perpetually pleasing Mom and Dad; on the other, you have nothing more or less than the ability to determine your own life path. But whatever you decide—whether it's to recommit to your faith; or to simply go through the motions for your parents' benefit; or to call their bluff, distance yourself from the church, and start getting serious about finding your own funding for college—you can have faith in yourself that whatever you choose is what's best for you.

And if it turns out not to be, you can always change your mind.

Have you ever clashed with your family over your religious freedoms? Tell us how you handled it! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.

Related post: Auntie SparkNotes: My Big Fat Secret Religion