How to Annoy Your Crush: A 10-Step Recipe
This might be the most helpful recipe you read all week. PAY ATTENTION, BUTTS.—Sparkitors
Here's the thing: I, elionorapaws, like a guy. As a 16-year-old girl, this should come as no surprise. But this guy—I like him more than Pokemon. No, I have not become a quivering mess in his presence; I do not wave furiously every time he passes me, or stare after him in a decidedly stalkery way. Instead, against all odds, I have actually become his friend. But hold on to your jetpacks: this is a big problem. Because I am failing, people. I am failing at love. So I have compiled this list of instructions in the hopes that you wiser sparkledogs who will learn from my mistakes. Bring on the sad country music!
Things you must never do, ever, around your crush, unless you are a magical perfect snowflake who is far less awkward than I am:
1. Laugh at perverted jokes with him and his friends while snorting in a very unladylike manner. Attractive.
2. Make him do embarrassing things because he lost a crazy hat competition. Get him really annoyed that you're so competitive.
3. Moan about how one of his favorite activities, playing Dungeons and Dragons, is the most ridiculous game ever, and you'd much rather pretend to be Harry Potter characters now, please?
4. Hit him for being a horrible drawing model in art class.
5. Invite him to skip around school with you, acting like a crazy person.
6. Wear ridiculous boyish clothes because you feel uncomfortable with your body. Pretend not to care when people make fun of you for them.
7. After repeated chauvinist comments from his friends, go on a feminist rant about how boys are stupid and women should only keep them to harvest their sperm. Then proceed to assert said feminism by using corporal punishment to punish any boy any time he says something sexist, even as a joke.
8. Steal his hats. Hide his hats. Pretty much taunt him about anything to do with his hats. Yes, we share an odd obsession with funny hats. I don't know why.
9. Laugh at him. All the time. In preschool, they say this is a sign you like someone. Now it's just a sign of being more cowardly than Scooby Doo.
10. And finally: never tell him you like him. Because you never tell someone you like that you like them. It makes you look like an idiot!
Do all this, add a pinch of teenage angst and the stress of AP classes, and you have the perfect recipe for getting the guy you like to like you back! (NOT.)
It sounds to us like you're just BEING YOUR AWESOME SELF, elinor—and if this dude doesn't like it, then sucks to his asmar! But maybe we're wrong; guys, do you think this list is right on the money?
Related post: Recipe Week!