Auntie SparkNotes: Friendzoned Forever

Dear Auntie Sparknotes,
I have always been told I am a nice guy. I am polite and always treat girls with respect. For some reason, I haven't been able to find a girlfriend for probably 4 years now. The same thing always seems to happen. I find a girl who I am attracted to and start talking with her and eventually hang out with her. It's all fun and great but we always end up only being friends. Just recently one of the girls who I am interested in and have been for a while had a bad break up with her boyfriend. I came in and comforted her. We went to the beach, watched movies, hung out, laughed, and even made cookies together. I thought she liked me. I also thought she knew I liked her. About a month after she broke up with her boyfriend I told her I liked her. She said that now wasn't the time so I dropped the subject. A week later I saw on Facebook that she is now dating a guy who I know will just hurt her. Why does this always happen to me?

Why? Here's a guess! Probably because this: "I find a girl who I am attracted to and start talking with her and eventually hang out with her"—is the classic meeting-talking-hanging progression that most people use to initiate...

...wait for it!...

...A FRIENDSHIP.

And until or unless you supplement that process with the scary emotional leap of confessing your feelings up front, you can't be surprised when following the recipe for friendship ends up getting you, y'know, a friend. I mean, take your recent experience: you thought your lady friend knew you liked her.

Well... why? Because you were spending time with her, being nice to her, enjoying her company? Dude, that's what friends do. And when this girl failed to read your mind and intuit your more-than-friendly intentions, your next stop shouldn't be to wonder what's wrong with her for failing to respond to a signal that you waited way too long to send.

It's to say to yourself, "Hey, self! Clearly, something about our approach is not working! Perhaps we should try a new tactic; for instance, actually telling girls that we like them from the get-go!"

Which is, for the record, what you need to start doing. And the good news is, you already know you can; after all, you did tell your crush, eventually, that you were interested in her. But the important thing, from now on, is that you do that early on—and definitely not after a month of comforting, consoling, and cookie-baking as a pretend just-friend.

Speaking of which: I know you didn't mean it this way, but zeroing in on a brokenhearted girl, making yourself the vehicle for her emotional recovery, and then dropping the news that oh, by the way, you actually want to date her? That is skeevy, my friend. If you want to be someone's source of support, please do it because you care about her and genuinely want to help, not because it serves your ulterior endgame of making her your girlfriend.

I know: chances are that you see your reticence as just being "nice" and "polite"—and that being direct about your feelings, to your mind, would be too pushy. But the truth is, getting close to a girl under the pretense of friendship when you really want more is emotionally dishonest and not respectful at all. And you're doing them, and yourself, a disservice by not just owning your feelings from the start. If you truly want to treat your crush right, you should respect her enough to tell her how you feel and give her the opportunity to respond. Have the courage to risk rejection! And when it happens—as it does to all of us—have the confidence to accept it without taking it personally.

And if you think it's too scary to say how you feel, just remember the alternative: namely, lurking in the friend zone and sitting on an uncomfortable pile of Unsaid Feelings for the rest of your life. Now that's scary.

Do you end up getting friend-zoned 'cause you can't express your feelings? Share your sympathies in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.