6 Steps to Professional Cooking
carlorossiriver kicks off SparkLife Recipe Week! —Sparkitors
I'd just like to share my infallible knowledge on cooking with you imbeciles. I am a very great chef. To give you an idea of my awesomeness when it comes to the kitchen, I'll give you a list of my numerous cooking skills:
1. boiling water
Hey, one's still a number.
I know all of us here are inept when it comes to making food people can actually eat. But I am a master at looking-like-I-know-the-things-I'm-doing-even-though-I-really-have-no-idea-of-what-I'm-doing. And I am here to share my expertise with you. Follow my 6-step plan, and you'll look like an expert chef in no time!
But before I pass on my wisdom to you, I'll need you to sign this form which states that I am not, in any way, liable for any damages, deaths, or fires your actions may cause. Done? Okay. Proceed.
Step 1: Safety
Get a big bucket. Fill it with water. Place it near the stove or anything that can burst into flames.
Step 2: Ingredients
Find the most expensive ingredients in your kitchen. This will make you look like a master chef. Slice the veggies real fast like people do on TV. As much as possible, avoid cutting off your arms. It'll be hard to cook without arms. Wash all the ingredients that can be washed. Use soap if necessary.
Step 3: Approaching the stove
Approach the stove very, very slowly for a dramatic effect. Send God a mental prayer, begging Him not to make the stove burst into flames when you turn it on. Pet the stove. Connect with the stove. Be the stove. Great! Now people who can see you think you know what you're doing! Or at least think you know how to operate the stove. On to the next step...
Step 4: Cooking
Turn on the stove. Get the half-filled pot and wait for the water to boil. When it boils, mix in the ingredients that you prepared (except for the veggies you sliced—they will be used later). Get a big wooden spoon and keep stirring until the stuff inside the pot looks like it's already done. For fun, add in a surprise ingredient! Put in the glowing green stuff from the can of beans your grandma gave you two Christmases ago. Or maybe the smoking brown substance under the sink. Or maybe even your dad's old shoe! The trick is to be as unexpected as possible. When it's done, get the pot off the stove and allow it to cool off for a while. Do not turn off the fire so you won't have to go to the pain of turning it on again. We're still going to cook something.
While the pot's cooling off, get a frying pan and some butter. Put the pan over the fire. Butter the pan when the pan is hot. To test if the pan is already hot, get your finger and press the middle of the pan. If your finger freezes over, then heat the pan more. However, if you burn your finger, that means the pan is ready. Get those sliced veggies and dump them on the pan. Take the pan and try to toss the veggies in the air like the other more experienced chefs do. Make sure the veggies don't all end up on the floor or stuck to your ceiling. Kill the fire when it's done. The veggies are done if they have turned a black-brown sort of color.
Step 5: Serving and presentation
We all know what you cooked is poisonous (and possibly carcinogenic). Forget the serving and presentation. Just dump them in the bin and make sure they never see the light of day.
Step 6: Legal proceedings
You signed a form so you can't sue me for your burning kitchen or barfing family.
Have fun cooking!
What's the most complex thing you've ever tried to make?
Related post: Recipe Week Is Coming!