Megan Ruins Your Childhood and Leaf Piles AT THE SAME TIME

It’s November!  The trees are crowned with beautiful red leaves that gently flutter to the ground as a chilly wind blows cheerfully down the street. If you’re like me, your first instinct will be to sob at the onset of winter, but if you’re normal, you’re probably thinking, “Hey, those leaves look pretty fantastic for throwing my body onto!”  Before you do, though, there are some things you need to know. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m all for propulsion of your body into foliage—as long as it’s educated propulsion. This is a social responsibility I’m fulfilling, people.

Bacteria and Fungi. The cool thing about leaves is that as soon as they hit the ground, they start to decompose—which is AWESOME, except for when you’re trying to make the world’s largest leaf-jumping pile. Fungi is pretty much enjoying a freaking buffet on those leaves, and bacteria is about to show up for the dessert course. The browner  the leaves, the more contaminated. The damper the leaves, the more rampant the nastiness.

“But wait!” you say. “The frigid temperature of November surely makes it difficult for fungi to grow!” And you're totally right: it IS too cold for decomposition to occur rapidly…that is, it’s too cold until you begin construction on Extreme Foliage Fun Mountain. If the leaves are all piled on top of each other, gas is released which makes things all nice and toasty on the bacterial level, and combine this with any form of dampness?  You are literally about to coat yourself in a new winter jacket MADE OF DISGUSTING.

Worms and other nasty little bug things. So you wake up one morning, and look at that! The whole front yard is covered in leaves!  Looks like today is a RAKING DAY. Before you dust off your raking helmet, let me lay some cold, hard facts on you.

Those leaves are on dirt, and worms live in dirt. Not just worms, but bug-type things. And what about spiders? Do you even KNOW how many spiders exist in the world? At any time there are roughly 4 spiders in your hair. Don’t check that fact, though. What you find will only serve to terrify you.

Dirt and also dirt. Rakes. They work by grabbing the crap out of everything and scraping it across the ground. That means that your leaf pile includes dirt, pebbles, uprooted grass, that gum you spit out on the lawn the other day, dog poop, anything a dog has peed on, dog throw-up, and possibly garden gnomes that come to life at night and steal your bowling pins.  I’m onto you, garden gnomes.

Will you still be cannon-balling into that luscious-looking leaf pile on the quad, or did Megan just ruin your life?

Related post: Raking Leaves is Stupid